Q: how do you know you're in love? A: I start using condoms with the other girls.

ah, the funny shit they put in movie previews.  i cant even remember the name of the movie, but that fucking quote almost made spit out my diet dew that i snuck in to see The Social Network.   while i found the movie to be quite entertaining, i also found a lot of similarities in it to my life.  i am not going to list them, mainly because im fucking lazy, but it also made me realize how a lot of these social commentary movies attempt to draw more attention to themselves by being able to relate to multiple people.


its not just movies or tv shows anymore, its everything from websites and magazines to music and autobiographies.  would anyone really give a shit about lindsay lohan if her myriad of mistakes didnt reflect the fact that not only is she simply human like the rest of us, but actually has the means to fuck her life up more than we can fuck our own?


it is staggering how many hits celebrity dirt sites get solely on the trash that they talk about how one star is more white trash than another.  everyone seems so intent on seeing just how fucked up everyone else is.  it helps to distract themselves from the many things that plague them.  the histories of mistakes that will go unprinted but always remembered.


even in this technological age, there are a great many dark secrets that will never reach the surface and perhaps that is the greatest part of having a wealth of secrets and a shortage of cash: my supply will never run out and in the end, i have more value than anyone who is splayed all over the news like a pornographic life centerfold for the embarrassed and relieved masses.

No need for sympathy, the misery that is me

i have come to that point in time in my life where most of the people i know that are around my age are settling down, getting married and having kids.  it makes someone like me reexamine my life and what i have done up to this point.  i question my worth as a person and as a human being in general.  


i have attempted the settling down thing twice now.  it didnt work so well for me either time.  i dont know how well it will work for them.  perhaps theirs will be the opposite of my experience.  maybe they have found that one true love who will bring the happiness that all of us crave, the uncompromising and unconditional love and acceptance of another human being.  perhaps not.  


we, as a people, do not typically discuss such details in depth because the facts of these situation differ from person to person.  it is quite astounding how different all of us can be and still be built of the same general components.  though, being made of all the same parts, we have our own individualities to take into consideration when passing judgement or advice on to others.  


for example:  i spoke to an old girlfriend of mine not too long ago about her decision to get married and start repopulating the earth with her vagina spawn.  i asked her how she knew that he was the guy.  she replied, " he wants children and so do i and he seems like a guy who would make a good dad".  notice, there is nothing in that statement or any of her other statements to me that involved unconditional love or even love at all.  far be it from me to be the hopeless romantic in this day and age, for i know i am not.  


its no wonder that the divorce rate is climbing.  society has urged people to seek happiness from possessions, whether they be husbands, children or bank accounts, instead of seeking happiness within.  the pinnacle of fulfillment has become acceptance by society instead of acceptance within the self.  i just got a bit zen there for a second and it is a bit of a new thing for me.  i preach all day long about compromise and never surrendering your ideals.  my beliefs arent as wishy washy in my head and yet somehow they seem convoluted when i spell them out.


i have just seen so many people in unhappy marriages of convenience and it breaks my heart.  call it karma, call it quid pro quo, i am going to call it life.  life because societys whim changes on a whim and the people that care about such things struggle to keep up with the socially acceptable norms.  i do not exist outside of society, but i am certainly trying to do so.  to create my own ideals.  to choose my own paths.  when forced to choose between left path or the right path, i am just as liable to sit down as i am to go straight ahead to forage through the underbrush of indecision.  fuck you life, for trying to make me choose what you want me to choose.  i go my own way, which more often than not is in some way you have laid out, though i am far from bound to your grid and i will happily hop a fence to get away from that path anytime i am so inclined.  the path of least resistance is something for the weak.

i wasnt trying to wreck her life, i was trying to make mine better.

i dont really know what i want to write about, i just felt like writing about something.  so this blog could be long or short or dirty or tame.  i dont know, im just going to go with it.  whatever is on the top of my brain.


watching a movie as i write this called Candy that as near as i can tell is about love, loss and junk.  i had not even heard of this movie until 2 days ago.  it sounded compelling and powerful in a Requiem for A Dream kind of way without being quite as intense but equally emotional.  thusfar i am satisfied with the progression of the movie and building of the characters.  


having done my biweekly trivia last night and the main topic being movies based on drugs it only made sense that i should see this movie.  the more of these films that i see about the downfall of a human being due to the substances that they put into themselves because they are so unhappy with how their lives are going.  is that why people use drugs?  it seems that everyone who uses is trying to escape something.  i suppose we are all trying to escape something though, arent we?


some people are trying to forget about their past, some trying to ignore their future.  others running away from their current lives or just trying to escape themselves for a while so that everything doesnt feel so real.  


escape; isnt that what all the vacation posters and web advertisements and popups that someone work their ways around the blockers browsers have nowadays say?  escape.  its as if everything and everyone out there is trying to convince people that they arent happy, regardless of how everyone feels.  its a wonder why people are trying so desperately to run away from things when the marketing giants of the world are forcing all these thoughts of ill-contentment and unhappiness down our throats.  


the worse we feel, the more money we spend to try to make ourselves happy.  there is no lasting happiness to be bought.  the escape is just a little blanket that we put over us so that we dont have to see the wounds and can ignore the pain for a while because we cant see how badly we are bleeding.  pretty glosses to the scabs we call lives.


i think i will escape into myself.  escape from the outside for a while.  isnt that what these blogs are to me?  these are my drug.  my way of detaching myself from my reality.  sometimes this place works for me, sometimes i just have to not be myself for a spell. how ironic and self serving that my drug that i choose to abuse is myself.  the drug used to fix and kill myself is myself.  


so, no, i dont need your pot/coke/pills/junk/crack/meth, im just fine with what i have inside already and it can kill or thrill just as fast without having to pay for it.

Motivation: the psychological feature that arouses an organism to action toward a desired goal.


it seems that that definition for humanity coincides with guilt (a feeling of culpability for offenses).  it becomes more and more apparent to me everyday that peoples specific motivations are spurned by guilt.  either guilt for performing or not performing something is the specific driving force behind what we as humans use to guide our actions.  


having a bit of a background in psychology, i have witnessed a great many times in peoples (myself included) lives where the things that are done are done specifically to alleviate guilt or to prevent it through one method or another.  guilt does seem to be a very strong motivator and its results are evident in everything from the simplest of person to the most politically important.  


i have tried to live my life for so long now, free of guilt.  does that also mean that i have been trying to live free of motivation?  good question.  being subjective here, i would like to think that i have been satisfactorily motivated but on further introspection, i have realized that i too, have been motivated by guilt. for the past few days i have been pondering over this question: how can i maintain my motivation to perform good actions without doing them for the sake of not feeling guilty afterwards if i had not performed those actions?


im going to attempt to start moving toward a life of altruism.  i want to try to do things for the sake of doing things, not to save myself any sort of grief.  i am a selfish person and am therefore more inclined to do things out of personal motivation instead of just doing nice things.  so, now i have a goal.  this goal is not motivated by guilt, but by the satisfaction of wanting to do some good in a world that uses, abuses and discards without regard.  


i have no idea if it will work, but it is worth an effort.


Black Flag:   Life of Pain (lyrics)


Look what you've done to your arms.
I know you don't care.
Who do you harm?
I know you've never been the girl next door,
but now you're worse than before.
Self destruct. Self destruct!
Life's miseries. Pain runs deep.
Does it matter what anybody cares?
Can there be another outlet?
Nobody gets close, nobody dares.
Self destruct. Self destruct!
I can understand your problems
and I can even figure out the reasons why,
but I can't help the way I feel.
And I can't accept what I see.
And I just can't stand watching you...
Self destruct. Self destruct!
You're digging your own grave
and you're taking my feelings with you.
There's got to be a way to get out.

since the stars have shown, the devil has shown me the way

so i walked home last night at 4:15 am from just a little south of 5 points.  my journey took me through the heart of the social area that on any other night would be bustling with people though on mondays it seems that even the crack heads take a day off.  on a scale of 1-10 of danger, it was about a 6, though more like a 3 for me being that im a quite imposing fellow.  


everything was so empty that it was probably the most refreshing thinking time that ive had in quite some time.  the walk itself was only about 20 minutes or so over mixed terrain with lots of hills and cracked sidewalks.  i spent most of the trip walking through the middle of the street for there were no cars on it.  i had finished what i thought was an amazing night with some great people and i was striking out toward some deep-thinking alone time.  


the cool night air brushing against my face with the steady breeze at the tops of the hills and the eerily vacant landscape with nothing moving but nature was a memorable and inspiring experience.  though the trip was magnificent and lovely, a smart man such as myself knows not to tempt fate too often less he find himself the victim of one of lives regular happenings instead of just the sheer luck of not having to kill someone who tried to assault me or lying on the ground bleeding for not giving my hard earned money to a vagrant who is so desperate for a fix that they challenge someone who should be left alone.


this excursion put me in a separate state of mind than i am normally in.  it afforded me time to ponder my choices and actions of late and to examine them in an environment that was both foreign and familiar.  i could detach my cognitive brain and let it swim through the abyss of my thoughts while letting the reflexive me who checks corners and shadows for threats do the walking.


i came to no conclusions or revelations, but i dont suppose that was part of the purpose.  when i was in college, i went on many a ridiculously late night walks with my dear friend and it was a cathartic time that we shared our fears, worries and secrets with each other.  something i had forgotten to do due to inactivity.  i was reminded of it last night and can now cherish again for its cleansing and enlightening abilities.  who better to be devils advocate to ones irrationalities than the person who knows best what they are, ones self.


it was gratifying and relieving to have that release that i didnt even know that i craved.  this life is such a fleeting thing and must be embraced as often as life will allow.  very much like the purity of fire, it always burns, but sometimes must be stoked in order to refresh its life.  


so now i sit here, wistful, longing, for another chance to cleanse myself through solitude and introspection.  someday soon it will happen again and be embraced as an old friend and lover returned for just one night of intoxicating bliss.

I have something to give you. I don't want it anymore. Thirty hours of pain all at once, all for you

i am the silent asshole.  the person that breaks and melts you without a word.  i tear you from the inside out leaving a wasted husk on the surface and a cavernous rage beneath.  with but a look i crush and conform you to my wishes.  with just a glance ive dissolved your inhibitions into paper thin barriers, easily broken through.  i have gnawed and chomped and bitten away at your defenses to leave you laid bare before me.  and im sorry.


its seems that even when im not trying to, im hurting people.  people i love.  people i care about.  i have, once, maybe twice, in my life actually put forth the effort and determination involved to emotionally maim another human being.  people learn from pain.  the stove is hot, you can be told many times but you never know until you get burned.  i have not had the intention to hurt anyone in close to 20 years.  yet, it seems that i find myself doing so on a daily basis by just existing.


the pain isnt one sided.  i hurt as well when i hurt others.  its the worst kind of pain because it is unavoidable.  even putting forth the effort save people from the anguish i put forth just hurts them more.  i hate to be the kid who doesnt get his way here, but goddamn, its just not fair.  the harder i try, the more things go awry.  


surrendering doesnt work either because people, left to their own devices, will create shit just to feel something and often times that feeling is pain.  trying to train themselves to move on and get over something that has crippled them.  the situation is lose-lose for me.  it seems that its lose-lose for anyone around me. like i have this gigantic gravitational pull of negativity that surrounds me that once you cross the event horizon, you are trapped in the gravity well of my depression and anguish that i hide on the inside.  i looked so pretty on the outside until the sting hits and stays for life.


its so fucked up how everything always works out the same despite my best intentions.  ive been putting forth a conscious effort to ensure that things do not get so terminal again and thought i was doing well only to have it blow up in my face again.  a leopard cannot change his spots, but is it because he is unable or because everyone is unwilling to see something other than the spots when they are no longer there?  


the past haunts us all.  we fallible animals called humans.  so convinced that we know the right ways and that our ways should be the only ways.  its all bullshit. left to its own devices, nature and mankind will become better and improve on itself.  perhaps i was born way too early or far too late and this stage of humanity is but a trial period between perfections.  i will never know.  i just have to continue to try to improve and better myself without being dissuaded by my constant failures.  the prospect of things not getting any better is a very frightening thing to look forward to, but what else is there to do but trudge on and keep hoping for the best regardless of the reality that constantly reveals itself instead.


this is a great song that i thought of in the middle of this post, so im going to share it as my closing remark.


lyric excerpt: 
"When left alone, the forests renew themselves.
When left alone, man improves himself, as well.

you always knew, one day, you would destroy me

and i always knew, i would have to be the one to restore me"

'cause if you're on my path, you're better off dead

i listen to too many sad songs with too many powerful lyrics that do not escape my brain when im feeling quite thoughtful or depressed.  it makes already big and difficult problems seem so much larger and cumbersome.  the more i hear about my favorite bands having relationship issues similar to mine, the more i feel like a product of society and a failed human individual.  it breaks my heart.  


i dont feel like posting a bunch of youtube links to the songs, so ill just post of some the lyrics and the band that sings them:
"a heart that hurts is a heart that works" -placebo
"i shall never love again, never place faith in the pleasures of life again, never turning back, lifes wonder has abandoned me now" -sculptured
"lovers always come and lovers always go and no ones really sure whos letting go today"  -guns n roses
"call me a fool but im not, our love changed, and love changed me" -xandria


i know what youre thinking, "with such positive music as that, how could one man ever be depressed?"  sarcasm is such a lovely thing.


having had way too much time alone to think last night, i came to the realization, that if what i have in my life right now doesnt work, i will never be honest or trusting of another human being for the rest of my life.  


we have relationships with people, deep and emotional, where we depend on them for support, recognition and trust.  yet when that relationship ends it seems all bounds of trust do as well.  the walls that separated the lines of secret and common knowledge get frayed and eventually fail causing all the things that people open up to each other about to be lain bare for any who have an interest in looking.


its really no wonder why people no longer know people.  its even less surprising that people are turning to the anonymity of the internet to fulfill those desires and needs.  to connect with people who have like minds without sacrificing secrecy.  the need of everyone is some sense of privacy.  we all have those vicious and secretive inner desires that we share with but a very select few in the hopes that these secrets will remain so indefinitely.  but it doesnt happen that way in this day and age.


media and connectivity have removed the possibility of privacy.  so we all wear our masks and keep our most sacred secrets to ourselves despite our level of commitment to another for we know that nothing lasts forever and want to minimize the hurt that will come from exposing ourselves to even more pain besides the ending of a relationship itself.


we live in a terrible and frightening world, fraught with horrors and teeming with insecurities about what others think of us.  though i claim not to care, and for the most part i dont, its just that life could be much more difficult than it already is.  i do not particularly care what others think of me, so long as it doesnt fuck with my way of life and lifestyle.  i live the way i wish and i wont be judged or demeaned for it.  everyone else should do the same.


wow, if that wasnt a commie statement i dont know what is.  this is what happens when i think too much and cant talk about it.  i go off on rants of the emotional variety and usually end up making blanket statements and feeling foolish for it later.  makes sense now so im going to go with it.

you say, "love is a hell you cannot bear"

so strange is this life.  so imperfect in all its dalliances.  all our mortal lives we seek something.  for some its money.  others its murder or sex.  for me, its happiness.


sounds random, i know.  the impossibility of being happy is something that ruins so many lives.  it is far easier to make money, murder or fuck.  to change ones perspective on an emotionally primal level is an undertaking that move would rather be oblivious to.  it seems so ridiculous to worry so much about changing something that should be inconsequential insofar as it should be naturally occurring and not something to have to focus on to achieve, like breathing.


its frightening, thinking of living an entire life without being happy.  perhaps that is why people need god.  or the idea of god.  they want to believe that all this suffering is for a reason.  otherwise, what is the point of life to be in pain only to die and be done forever.  everyone seems so afraid to live this life.


i believe i have once chance to get it right and ive gotten it wrong for so long that its hard to keep track of my mistakes.  so, i share my happiness with everyone.  you can take it and have a good time with everything, me, life, whatever, or you can leave and ill keep your share to myself and be better for it.  


i wish everyone the best, but i will make the best for myself, or i will die trying.

If you're hungry, why not try a piece of your friend?

the last few days have been a bit on the rougher side.  shit always has a way of catching up and complicating the way i view life.  i hate it, but it still happens. im trying to live my life correctly and be a good person while still savoring every moment as it hits me square in the face.  alas, i am human though and i cant always laugh off the shit that cuts to the bone.  


i suppose we arent supposed to be able ignore every pain.  for the hurt is what teaches us.  without the pain, we would never learn anything.  so what happens when we become numb to the pain?  what happens when we get used to it?  do we no longer learn?  do we need more of the pain, like an alcoholic needs more of the booze to get drunk?  


i woke this morning with even more bruises of unknown origin.  its feels good.  like tasting the blood in your mouth after getting punched or the gashes on my knuckles after getting into a fight.  the cracking of the scabs at every movement for the next week while the wounds heal is a comforting reminder of something pleasant or terribly, but the memory is there none the less.  which is why in the world where pain is the best teacher of the human animal, the masochist reigns supreme.  


all the kids nowadays that are into the tattoos, piercings and scarification have just found an additional way to become enlightened.  the torture that is inflicted through these acts heightens our awareness and we fell quite empowered afterwards.  we wear these badges of our ability to get something done to us that hurts and is optional.  


its the scars that we wear on the inside that no one ever sees that teach us the most.  the ingrained into our souls lessons of broken hearts over the years of all the loves we have lost.  a dear person to me asked me the other day if i have ever been in love so much that it hurts.  my answer is: twice.  to this day, those two girls still come into my mine and tear my guts out from a distance.  one, im sure, hasnt thought of me in many years, the other most likely thinks of me every day and is planning my much deserved demise.  and yet if i had the opportunity to rejoin either of them in their lives, my response would be no.  i have learned my lessons from them already.  yes, i will love them and carry the torch for them till i die and the last word on my dying lips will be their names, but i cant be for them what they need me to be and that would only destroy them which is not something i wish to do.


shit gets convoluted so quickly in my head.  confusion mixed with a seriously lacking memory makes shit more difficult every day to live through and learn from.  never the less, life is constantly teaching me, i just need to start using my amazing powers of observation to keep learning and growing.  stagnation is something that kills.  so, its time for me to learn how to love better and be better.  here i go.

she blew em all away in the shit-storm sweepstakes

it is tough to change things that have been a certain way for a long amount of time. to change ones self is one of the most incredibly challenging things that one can undertake. to be able to look inwards with objectivity is not something a lot of people can do or care to do. its a frightening thing, introspection.

recognizing that a change is required is almost as tough as the changing process. it requires identifying all those negative things about yourself and not simply pointing them out but actively pursuing their eradication. all the dirty little secrets that we hate to speak of and admit to that make us the nasty person that we are.

so when in an effort to change ourselves for the better, we must confront all those things that make us so bad. it is in this confrontation that is the most cathartic. to be able to admit to yourself all of your failings, you gain a sort of purity of self that only arrives through fire of self-realization. it is much easier to revamp yourself into something better once you have gone through the pain of cleaning out your brain.

there are those people out there who say that change is impossible and that a person will always be who they are. its not true. to become something else requires the willingness to suffer through your mistakes and the motivation to not make them again. it is a constant effort to maintain the new things. it will require a lot of work to break the habits that have been with you your whole life. it is more than doable so long as your will power is strong enough to carry you.

for in the end, to become something else, will power is all it takes. will power to deny temptation. will power to perpetuate your motivation to excel. will power to mold oneself into an idealized version of yourself and to ignore all the things that would normally drag you down. strength of mind. once you have that, everything else falls into place over time.

happiness is the best revenge

i remember a lot, but barely a percentage of what ive forgotten. i have lost so much to this that i feel the need to gain so much more from what i can remember. that and i must acquire new memories as rapidly as possible.

i vowed a while ago to change my life and make into something that i not only enjoyed, but something i looked forward to on a daily basis. in this endeavor i have succeeded. i have changed my outlook on life, my thoughts, my mannerisms and from that forged myself into a new person. a man unchanged by the world and instead a changer of it. no more hopes. no more fears. nothing of the man i was before save the perfect things that make me a human worth being around.

i will break everything around me, including every bone in my dying body to be free of the oppression of lifes little idiosyncrasies. the tiny dramas that infect the world of our lives. all the negativity that spills forth from our mouths and hearts to ruin a world for other while attempting to make it utopia for ourselves. the pettiness of the human spirit never amazes me. the idiocy of illogical human emotions is not just predictable but tiresome.

to be god must be horribly boring. to know all that is knowable. to see that there is nothing but forgone conclusions to events that havent happened yet. to see the end from the beginning would really make existing worthless. what is the point of the journey if the starting point and the destination are one in the same? without the experience of the journey there lies to no more purpose to living. if time became un-linear for us mere mortals and the fabric of the universe itself were to unhinge our lives would be irrevocably damaged and undone. but for god, this is everything. all possibilities, all ends and beginnings exiting in one space in time. no future, no past, no sense to living.

so many reasons to not believe. so many reasons to cherish every moment of every breath that is inhaled and absorbed by our body and used to nourish our lives. learning to revel in even the slightest sensations is something that i have come to appreciate and anticipate. this life is short and precious and i will enjoy every second of it that i have left.

i am alone, im not lonely

this life is one shot only. there are no second chances. we have to live our lives according to a set of rules. some people who have no rules or guidelines have no fulfillment to their lives. they remain as vessels passing through each days as if it is a mystical gift of happenstance. taken for granted, the value of life.

we are far too willing to compromise. we let ourselves subjugate ourselves to anothers whims. every time we give up some of ourselves a part of us dies. no, i dont think one can live their life without compromise, but i do not think we should live our lives in a way that every way surrenders our ideals or ideas to the will of another person. we should embrace our personalities and individuality in such a way as we are unique and yet partial reflections of each other.

is there some sort of cosmic reason that people are so willing to bend the knee to a god/ideal/dream/person? is there some random fact of life that causes the majority of people to desire to be spoon fed in order to perpetuate the cycle of laziness? how pathetic is it when people are too lethargic to think for themselves? why have an opinion of your own when the world and popular culture are so willing to give them to you?

i want to pick the scab of life. to peel it away from the newly formed tissue underneath, causing the flesh to regrow yet again into a new and different pattern. the blood and skin eventually seal themselves off into a scar that becomes unique unto itself. a mark. a brand. a seal of my individuality that is the harbinger of a fate that belongs only to me because it is what i have chosen. this statement of my personality and decisions is just the way it is. it is who i am. i will give until im empty and never expect anything in return, but only if that is what i chose to do. i will not be guilted into forever. i will not be beaten into submission.

i have been broken by love on more occasions that i am willing to admit out loud. i have done entirely too many things that i had no desire to do but did anyways because someone expected it of me. i have surrendered myself to failure because i thought i could do no better.

i was wrong.

now, i live life for me. i am making my own choices and bringing about my own death if that is what the end is. when i go, the end will be whatever i chose it to be. i know that when i go i will have lived and loved the way that i want to. that is perfect happiness.

everyone is a good apple or a bad apple, right?

as we weave our little webs of love and life, we twist and turn our ways in and out of the pale reflections that we see in every passing window/mirror/puddle. it hurts my heart to think about everything that has been lost without ever being found first. all those loves in our lives that go unrequited. all those thoughts that get formed for the briefest of instances only to become as unattainable as trying to catch smoke with your hands. the whispers of our past act as guides for our actions. memory of emotion determines our actions, whether by fear of consequences or lack of motivation.

everyone who feels, seeks happiness. its a goal and a chore.

my eyes burn with sleepiness and dehydration. my body is charged with electrical emotion. in all the dryness of my lips and eyes, i can see much more clearly. i can feel my heart race. i can understand my quickening thoughts. i can feel my skin as it grows over my wounds. every cell in my body activating to move toward a common goal, my perpetuation.

the cancer that eats at me also liberates me. it will eventually free me from this life and pain. i know that there is nothing really worth living for except to find those gems of happiness in this world of shit. its the little things that are always the best. the simple pleasures are what makes all this bullshit worth putting up with. finding joy in every breath, focusing all my will toward that end. seeking, forcibly, all the pleasures that i ignored when i was too young to appreciate it.

everything is far too precious to take for granted as far as life goes. i want to savor every last second and to live as much as life lets me. im will use this life for everything it has to offer and when im dead my corpse will be a map of the paths i have take and the mistakes i have made. i am here, but not for long.

it was my dream to create a perfect world from this cold imperfect world

time is a tricky beast. it heals, it kills, it changes and it owns us all like we own the breath in our lungs. it is the ultimate and final judge. my heart breaks every time i think of all that could have been in another time and space. another world. another life. another time.

ah, time, again, that beautiful killer. i miss the time when youth was more than a word or a memory to me. the older i get, the more i realize that past is long gone and the future turns into yesterday too fast to comprehend. the end is ever approaching shortening the distance with every exhalation. my only hope is that i will be able to see then end and be able to end it properly.

i dont know where this notion of time burning me away came from. just started thinking about all the time i have wasted before and about how crippling it is knowing that i will never get all that time back. watching the Green Carnation dvd, Alive and Well in Krakow, i just randomly checked the back of the box and noticed that there were some audio tracks on the dvd that i had never noticed before. one of them being one of the most pure, romantic and sad songs ever written; chris isaak's Wicked Game.

i always manage to forget how much that song moves me. it grabs me

pulls me into its heart enlarged by overwhelming sadness at the

lamentations of the world in which everyones quest is to find a

perfect mate or at the very least suitable suitor to bring home to

the friends or parents. it destroys our hopes and loves, much like

time and reality distort what emotion was meant to be. it is an

effort i no longer want to expend energy on.

im sick of fighting for love. im tired of trying to fix what

will always be broken. i am not going to continue trying to force

these square pegs into round holes. love should not be work. love

is something undeniable not something that requires constant effort,

that is what a relationship is. the relationship is what ruins

love. you feel that love and want to surrender yourself too it for

as long as you are able, but then life gets in the way and you feel

yourself slipping away from that pure feeling into something that

requires a constant effort to maintain and yet still falls apart. it

is the relationship, the labels, that kill love. love is a frail

thing, its endurance unmatched but its skin easy to bruise and bones

simple to break and at the same time, its life so difficult to

steal.

the overcast sky outside is too inviting, i must go. just remember

no matter what comes your way, lead with your heart but do not

forget your brain. without the two in tandem neither can be

complete.

angst for the memories

i had a very funny notion about stalker songs and in doing some research into them i learned that there are a lot more out there than i realized. it is quite humorous to me to think about how many pop songs have catchy little hooks and fun lyrics that get people to sing along with them without actually listening to what the words are. there are a lot more than almost everyone realizes.

the first song that came to mind was Rick Springfield's song Jesse's Girl. with lyrics like:

You know, I wish that I had Jessie's girl,
I wish that I had Jessie's girl
Where can I find a woman like that
I play along with the charade,
there doesn't seem to be
a reason to change
You know, I feel so dirty
when they start talking cute
I wanna tell her that I love her,
but the point is probably moot
'Cos she's watching him with those eyes
And she's lovin' him with that body,
I just know it
And he's holding her
in his arms late, late at night

That is the very deffiniton of what im talking about. veiled innuendos alluding to things that every love-sick person thinks, but doesnt want to allow themselves to acknowledge. i love the fact that these songs make it to number 1 on the billboard charts and people just never notice how depraved they are.

another prime example, The Police had a huge hit that is quite timeless with Every Breath You Take. people think to write the lyrics off as being romantic and about a loving relationship but any previous stalker/obsessed disenfranchised person knows that lyrics such as these:

Oh, can't you see

You belong to me?

How my poor heart aches

With every step you take

Every move you make

Every vow you break

Every smile you fake, every claim you stake

I'll be watching you

are specifically identified with by serial stalkers.

everyone seems to think that to make something vicious and frightening it has to be plain in what is said. in songs like Stripped, Raped, Strangled and Fucked With A Knife its plain just from the names of the songs what to expect from the lyrics. no subtleties there.

other great stalking/stalker songs are:

Obsession by Animotion

Never Gonna Give You Up by Rick Astley

One Way or Another by Blondie

I Want You To Want Me by Cheap Trick

almost certainly songs that everyone knows, even now, 30 years after some of these songs were originally released. i find it pretty funny and ironic.

so, its time for some happy stalkings. next time you are singing along to some pop music, just have a listen to the lyrics and read between the lines. try to find the meanings behind the terrible presentation.

they like you, they dont like anyone

i have seen a lot of beautiful things lately. every time i see something that moves me, i am suspiciously without a camera that would do it justice. the camera on my phone is just too flakey and the resolution just not good enough to even bother trying to capture that image that struck me as beautiful.

the other day i walked out of work at 2am, the sky was very overcast and the lights were reflecting just perfectly on this house on a hill just outside of where i work. i wanted so bad to have my camera and a tripod. i could have gone home and gotten them, but by the time i would have gotten back, the beauty of the moment would have passed. i have the vision in my memory, but i hate the fact that i cant share it with anyone. it is such an amazing remembrance that i am glad i have.

i need to get out more, walk around and take shots of things. i want to put together a photo show with some larger pictures and some smaller pictures in odd frames and spaced together to make a larger portrait. ill get started on that right away.

it seems today is a day of simple pleasures. i sit here on my couch, watching children of men with my maine coon laying pressed up against me and alternating between purring and snoring. i feel his warmth against me and his comfortable and soft fur under my hands. he wakes and looks up at me with the love and adoration of a child for his parent. it is the simple pleasures.

i find it funny, that i am such a crass and insensitive individual sometimes. watching children of me, a movie in which people can no longer have children, i find it a refreshing to think of a world where breeding has been paused for a while. it really needs to be done. obviously not a permanent solution, but it would be a nice quick fix until shit gets more regulated or until we extend past our planet.

who am i kidding? the human race will never escape planet earth. we will never colonize alien planets. we will be lucky to escape our solar system. it seems like such a waste of technology to be confined to this singular planet in this lonely solar system. oh how i would love to be one of the people who gets frozen for 500 years on a journey out of our microcosm to another world light years away. sadly, not something that will happen in my lifetime. it probably wont happen ever. the way that we go about killing ourselves and planet, it is unlikely that we will ever be able to exercise the self control required to come together as one race and propel our lives beyond the boundaries of dreams into the realm of the future.

it is a terrible thing to constantly focus on the beyond. it is also a terrible thing to have a here and now that only inspires one to look beyond. the is truly the horrific part of our times; the fact that there is so little to be happy about. the future that lives in my imagination is where i derive the vast majority of my pleasure. yet, every once in a while, my eye spots a piece of fleeting hope in someone elses face that inspires a bit of joy on my part.

i killed somebody once, it was easy. that is why its so dangerous

there is a purity in history that is no longer present in the here and now. i spent the morning watching a movie based on a favorite book of mine, Bid Time Return. the movie in question is Somewhere in Time. im not going to summarize the plot here, but it will suffice to say that it is a period setting of sorts which is quite based in reality, despite how strange the story is.

100 years ago, the way people spoke was different. the way people spoke to each other was different. we take a lot of liberties with how we speak to one another now days. we are less formal, less specific and very different in our assumptions about each other. the innocence of ignorance is something that is lacking in todays overly stimulated, hyper-sexualized and ultra-violent society.

from the sex and death on tv to the plethora of porn on the internet, we are slowly making ourselves into a people who not only accept the familiarity of strangers but take advantage of our connectivity to put aside the mysteries meeting a new individual. more often than not, the chase, which is the best part of the beginning of any relationship, is now lost thanks to the stalking capabilities of the internet and ease of communication of text messaging. the thrill is gone before it has a chance to begin.

its no wonder why we have become obsessed with getting in and getting it over with fast. we want to move on to the next chase. we want to move in and move on as fast as we can. there is no need for the permanence of companionship when partners are virtually interchangeable like the bits of a drill.

love has become like god, a dying institution, an effigy to a notion that is being replaced by reality, a dream from which we are all awakening.

the truth is that technology has killed everything that was once thought to be beautiful and replaced it with false notions of perfection and electronic courtship. everything that made dating and relationships an adventure has be altered to this new bastardization of technology and flesh.

i miss the innocence. i miss the time that courtship took much longer than typing some information into a computer. i miss the good ole days.

we pretend not to see what we did

its been said that the only things that will still be living after a nuclear holocaust are cockroaches. as of recently i have a different thought on that. i think it will be a world of psychopaths and cockroaches. psychopaths are the only humans who have the mental capacity to do what must be done when the world is ending.

everyone likes to think that they have what it takes. the truth of the matter is that you have to be able to turn of empathy, regret and compassion if you want to survive whatever ends us all. when it comes to survival, feelings will only be a hinderance.

i know its not the end of the world now, nor is it likely to be in my life time, but we must always be prepared to do whatever is necessary to survive.

ive been told that i am crass and unfeeling. i am apathetic and an asshole. i am insensitive and uncaring. i may be these things, but i am also in control of my emotions. i am in control of what i feel and how i feel. i keep my feelings to myself and choose to experience everyone elses with them instead of sharing my own. its much safer that way and it makes people feel closer to you if you feel their emotions with them. for the most part, people dont want to know what you feel. their overriding sense of self worth makes them feel as if they must constantly project themselves upon others. its as if people arent comfortable feeling what they feel without the approval or reflected emotions on others faces.

the heart is a weakness. love is a broken will. emotion is subjugation to someone elses fleeting whims. if more people would internalize their feelings instead of subjecting anyone they can find to their bullshit then i think the world would be a much more tolerable place for the individual.

but who knows. i could just be that guy. that psychopath who really doesnt care about anyone but himself. perhaps that is me.

in all likelihood, you probably wont be coming back

ah, bad television has the best one liners, "that sounds like a tomorrow problem, lets get out of here". love the silliness there. then again, how many times have i thought something similar? im sure plenty. if i stopped and thought about it, im sure i wouldnt be able to think of one instance, but i know there have been a few.

as i was driving home from lunch today, i had a thought: there comes a point in time in almost everyones life that they realize that would be more productive to society if they were dead. its not depression that brings this thought to me, just a realization about the nature of life and the reality of our lives.

life itself is a very fleeting and fragile thing. it has made me wonder on a great many occasions about the nature of its purpose. human beings mainly. everything else seems to have a specific purpose. there appears to be a very obvious balance between life forms. if there is too much of one species that overwhelms its natural predator, then another predator or some other factor comes into play and regulates things or shifts the balance a different direction. granted, this takes some time.

the problem with the blight of humanity is that we have found ways to not just circumvent this natural equalizer but to continue reproducing to point that we arent just going to end up killing ourselves, but the rest of the planet. im not a green advocate or one of those protesting hippies who are always making a big stink about whatever they can to "raise awareness" for they are thinking way too small.

think of the earth as an organism. the equivalent of what they want done is having an animal that is bleeding in thousands of places simultaneously and only having 2 hands and a tissue to stop the bleeding. sure, one of those wounds will be staunched but not before every other wound kills the animal.

drastic times require drastic measures. that is what mankind is missing nowadays. in the ancient times people knew simple things like that. we have grown so complacent in our decadence that the majority of humans cant even recognize that there is a problem, much less think about the sacrifices required to fix it.

i am but one of millions who has an idea about how to fix our situation and yet i have no ability to implement my ideas. and its fine. ill be laughing as the world burns around everyone while people run around frantically praying and begging from the empty skies to know why they have to die for they did nothing wrong. ah, but that is exactly it, they did nothing and that is what they did wrong.

people ask me all the time, "do you really want the world to end?" and i say, "yes". i think its time for earth to reboot itself. time for the human plague to be extinct, buried and salted. it seems so harsh and im constantly asked if i know that i am one of the people who would be dead. obviously i would be gone. at this point, its not about me anymore. its not about any one person. is about all of us. the scourge of earth.

Fuck me gently with a chainsaw

i was really wanting to go out play some pool, drink some beer and generally lose myself tonight. it didnt happen. the sheer thought of walking out and having to use my voice was just too daunting a task for me. i just couldnt seem to bring myself muster the energy to leave the house and relate to the real world. my patience for the real world has run dry.

i have stayed huddled up in my personal prison/sanctuary of the apartment that i have built for myself. after doing my grocery shopping this morning, i am set for a couple weeks and i only really need to leave the apartment for work. the place i go to to afford my solitude. i suppose it affords me some measure of relief from my introspective depression, going to work to bring light to other peoples lives. my survival depends on the outings of my employment. the opportunity to lose myself in other peoples problems and turn that turmoil of theirs into something much happier so that they leave feeling better than they did when they came in.

it usually works the same for me too, but my overwhelming notion of eventual failure keeps me from leaving feeling any better than i did when i got there. the more i look around and try to compose myself to notice all the nuances of what i might have done wrong, or simply not done completely right, leaves me with the feeling of trepidation when i leave work that i have left a great many things undone. it is abysmal.

the pessimism of life is sometimes overwhelming. i just hold my breath until the pressure in my chest subsides and my rapid pulse slows itself and my heart stops trying to pry its way out of my chest with a pick axe. the breath becomes calm, the eyes stop watering and reality solidifies into something less dreamlike so i can get on with my life.

by the time i have to work tomorrow at 4 i should be free of these hinderances. if not, i will just push them to the side and lose myself in countless drinks and odd concoctions that fill rocks and pint glasses to offer liquid liberty/freedom/courage to those who would otherwise be lacking the confidence or loquaciousness to succeed in whatever endeavor they are attempting. i give that to everyone but myself it seems.

the box that holds my emotions leaks from time to time and when it does, people get hurt. im done with it. the box is sealed. can someone really miss love when they have realized that it is simply the herald of pain?

the rain auditions on my window

woke very early this morning to the pounding of rain upon my windows, the ferocious beating attempting to leak its way through my protection of brick and glass. it was glorious. after the briefest of enjoyments, i fell back asleep for another few hours to then wake tired and unrested.

it always happens like that when i wake from a dream or some other outside source. sometimes it is a bit frustrating but other times it is much more of a relief being freed from whatever nightmare of a dream is consuming me so much that it breaks my reverie. other times though, when the dream is not a nightmare i reach some peak or pivotal point and just on the verge of satisfaction, the spell breaks and im ripped back into reality again only to try desperately to find the sleep that just left me and failing in the process.

been a very painful and tiring week. emotionally more than physically. it is much more difficult than anyone thinks, maintaining this solid and unwavering outer shell that i hide beneath. to slough off the things that are said and done that hurt me as if they were as inconsequential as dew on the grass on a warm spring morning. i have built myself into this, this bold and hardened statue of physically and emotion impenetrability. suffering in silence is much more preferable to me, though it does complicate interpersonal relationships a lot.

i was always taught to be sensitive and compassionate to other peoples pain. but lately ive realized it is much less empathy and more more pity. not pity for their problems mind you, pity because they are too weak to have the self control to be able to deal with it on their own. it sounds callous and self serving, but it is the truth. i do care that other people are hurting and having a rough time of it. i do try to make these people feel better about what is wrong with them and offer solutions to their dilemmas. most of the time though, no matter how true whatever i say is, the people listen intently to what i have to say only to do whatever it is that they think will help them and yet always wind up back in the same place a short time later.

no, i dont have all the answers. no, im not the smartest person on the planet. i do, however, have a strong sense of logic and practicality that i wish i could teach people. it seems we humans are often led by our emotions than our sensibility. there doesnt have to be just one or the other, but an effective balance it seems would be more beneficial than the constantly blundering forward from mistake to mistake that is currently present.

i love and hate humanity simultaneously and it makes every day a chore just to muster the will to get out of bed. i do get out of bed though and continue on with my life in my detached hopelessness until the time of change comes. i have no need to fight for it because it will come on its own. i just have to be ready for it. and i am.

the pain, its a bitch

its so funny to me how hard we try to clean the dirt, filth and negativity from ourselves on the outside. we scrub out flesh everyday, with soaps, perfumes and exfoliating luffas to sanitize and beautiful ourselves at the same time. after the ritual cleaning we then accentuate our figures and forms with complimenting clothes, ingratiating jewelry and color matching makeups.

all the things to clean ourselves and give a better appearance to others. we try better that reflection staring back at us in the mirrors that we groom ourselves in. the more we scrape away the things that make us feel less than gorgeous the more we can lie to ourselves about how truly ugly and disgusting we are on the inside.

we want everyone to believe us as composed as we seem on the outside. whereas in reality we are horribly disfigured and broken on the inside. this is why so many people try so hard to be beautiful. this is the reason we have entire stores dedicated to the latest makeup products and the hottest styles from all over the world. this constant need for the acceptance of others rules our lives like a subconscious leash dragging us around from destination to death.

the ugliness of life is what we hide from behind our masks of faux perfection. we are so ugly on the inside. we have our vices and faults. the big problem that we face is that no matter how much we shine that turd, it is still a turd. we still see those ugly fetishes, filthy desires and socially sadistic thoughts every time we look in the mirror, regardless of what everyone sees. the best we can do is to put on that happy face we show to the world and hope that no one can see through the facade to the ugliness that is us.

First you have to wrap the body

the odds are, shit is fucked up. some of you may ask why i say something like that or how can i jump to such a wild assumption. truth be told, i really have no basis for this except to equate everyones life to my own. there is never a normal moment in my life. i stroll about my daily chores like a civilized person and watch as the day falls apart around me. the day, the world, reality. everything just falls apart. its like my life is made out of bricks held together with chewing gum. the mortar holds true for a short time but as time passes the bonds dry and become brittle. eventually gravity pulls the top down and the only thing that keeps the bottom from collapsing is the rubble from the top holds everything on the bottom together. that is why nothing ever has a clean break. there is no new foundation to build upon. there are only ruins from all of our past mistakes and crumblings to go with.

we are all damaged goods. i wish i could change a lot of the issues that i have made in my life. but in the end of the day, i know that everything has happened just as it should. in this world. the past is unchangeable and the future is uncertain. though we may not be able to do much to manipulate what will happen, all i know is that what will happen will happen. no fate. no destiny. just an obvious statement to say that the world moves on and on whether we want it to or not.

for me, it feels like im coming home

something exciting and liberating cleaning after a day of cooking and lounging. wow, a lot of -ing in that sentence. the kitchen flood is drying right now so i figured i would pen a little.

big happenings yesterday. i said "fuck it" to a few things and did what i wanted to. back to that living life bit i was so focused on the other day. i went a saw a friend on her first day of bar tending ever and at a new job to boot! poor little critter was a bit overwhelmed but she seemed to be picking it up ok. she is young, cute and russian, so im sure she will have no issue making money there. ive often wished i was a chick bar tender. they really do make so much more money than the guys do. i suppose it evens out though for professional men make more money and get promoted more often. that is a whole line of thinking that i really dont want to go into right now.

after drinking, i went and drank some more at my work while trivia was going on. i cant guarantee that i was helpful to any teams in any way, but i had a good time chilling with my all my friends. it seems that i can make myself have a good time so long as i put forth the effort and let go of myself for a minute.

this very strict form of control that i keep on myself creates a lot of problems for me, but at the same time it makes me feel a bit more in charge of where im going. i maintain this facade of of strength and sturdiness that carries me through the days. it makes my outwardly appearance seem much more unbreakable than i actually am. i tell myself so often that i am as inflexible and steadfast as a mountain that i have come to let it take over who i am. i like it though and it has made me into a very successful person.

my strength is in my convictions. not even my convictions towards other, but my promises to myself. i live by a set of rules. not anyone elses rules. rules ive set for myself after the life i have lived. i could list some of them but some of them cannot be translated into words. the list seems incomplete with my tiny subconscious nudgings. so i leave it in my head, governing my life from the distance of brain to toes.

enough of my self sculpting and bragging. its time to go live.