'cause if you're on my path, you're better off dead

i listen to too many sad songs with too many powerful lyrics that do not escape my brain when im feeling quite thoughtful or depressed.  it makes already big and difficult problems seem so much larger and cumbersome.  the more i hear about my favorite bands having relationship issues similar to mine, the more i feel like a product of society and a failed human individual.  it breaks my heart.  


i dont feel like posting a bunch of youtube links to the songs, so ill just post of some the lyrics and the band that sings them:
"a heart that hurts is a heart that works" -placebo
"i shall never love again, never place faith in the pleasures of life again, never turning back, lifes wonder has abandoned me now" -sculptured
"lovers always come and lovers always go and no ones really sure whos letting go today"  -guns n roses
"call me a fool but im not, our love changed, and love changed me" -xandria


i know what youre thinking, "with such positive music as that, how could one man ever be depressed?"  sarcasm is such a lovely thing.


having had way too much time alone to think last night, i came to the realization, that if what i have in my life right now doesnt work, i will never be honest or trusting of another human being for the rest of my life.  


we have relationships with people, deep and emotional, where we depend on them for support, recognition and trust.  yet when that relationship ends it seems all bounds of trust do as well.  the walls that separated the lines of secret and common knowledge get frayed and eventually fail causing all the things that people open up to each other about to be lain bare for any who have an interest in looking.


its really no wonder why people no longer know people.  its even less surprising that people are turning to the anonymity of the internet to fulfill those desires and needs.  to connect with people who have like minds without sacrificing secrecy.  the need of everyone is some sense of privacy.  we all have those vicious and secretive inner desires that we share with but a very select few in the hopes that these secrets will remain so indefinitely.  but it doesnt happen that way in this day and age.


media and connectivity have removed the possibility of privacy.  so we all wear our masks and keep our most sacred secrets to ourselves despite our level of commitment to another for we know that nothing lasts forever and want to minimize the hurt that will come from exposing ourselves to even more pain besides the ending of a relationship itself.


we live in a terrible and frightening world, fraught with horrors and teeming with insecurities about what others think of us.  though i claim not to care, and for the most part i dont, its just that life could be much more difficult than it already is.  i do not particularly care what others think of me, so long as it doesnt fuck with my way of life and lifestyle.  i live the way i wish and i wont be judged or demeaned for it.  everyone else should do the same.


wow, if that wasnt a commie statement i dont know what is.  this is what happens when i think too much and cant talk about it.  i go off on rants of the emotional variety and usually end up making blanket statements and feeling foolish for it later.  makes sense now so im going to go with it.