since the stars have shown, the devil has shown me the way

so i walked home last night at 4:15 am from just a little south of 5 points.  my journey took me through the heart of the social area that on any other night would be bustling with people though on mondays it seems that even the crack heads take a day off.  on a scale of 1-10 of danger, it was about a 6, though more like a 3 for me being that im a quite imposing fellow.  


everything was so empty that it was probably the most refreshing thinking time that ive had in quite some time.  the walk itself was only about 20 minutes or so over mixed terrain with lots of hills and cracked sidewalks.  i spent most of the trip walking through the middle of the street for there were no cars on it.  i had finished what i thought was an amazing night with some great people and i was striking out toward some deep-thinking alone time.  


the cool night air brushing against my face with the steady breeze at the tops of the hills and the eerily vacant landscape with nothing moving but nature was a memorable and inspiring experience.  though the trip was magnificent and lovely, a smart man such as myself knows not to tempt fate too often less he find himself the victim of one of lives regular happenings instead of just the sheer luck of not having to kill someone who tried to assault me or lying on the ground bleeding for not giving my hard earned money to a vagrant who is so desperate for a fix that they challenge someone who should be left alone.


this excursion put me in a separate state of mind than i am normally in.  it afforded me time to ponder my choices and actions of late and to examine them in an environment that was both foreign and familiar.  i could detach my cognitive brain and let it swim through the abyss of my thoughts while letting the reflexive me who checks corners and shadows for threats do the walking.


i came to no conclusions or revelations, but i dont suppose that was part of the purpose.  when i was in college, i went on many a ridiculously late night walks with my dear friend and it was a cathartic time that we shared our fears, worries and secrets with each other.  something i had forgotten to do due to inactivity.  i was reminded of it last night and can now cherish again for its cleansing and enlightening abilities.  who better to be devils advocate to ones irrationalities than the person who knows best what they are, ones self.


it was gratifying and relieving to have that release that i didnt even know that i craved.  this life is such a fleeting thing and must be embraced as often as life will allow.  very much like the purity of fire, it always burns, but sometimes must be stoked in order to refresh its life.  


so now i sit here, wistful, longing, for another chance to cleanse myself through solitude and introspection.  someday soon it will happen again and be embraced as an old friend and lover returned for just one night of intoxicating bliss.

I have something to give you. I don't want it anymore. Thirty hours of pain all at once, all for you

i am the silent asshole.  the person that breaks and melts you without a word.  i tear you from the inside out leaving a wasted husk on the surface and a cavernous rage beneath.  with but a look i crush and conform you to my wishes.  with just a glance ive dissolved your inhibitions into paper thin barriers, easily broken through.  i have gnawed and chomped and bitten away at your defenses to leave you laid bare before me.  and im sorry.


its seems that even when im not trying to, im hurting people.  people i love.  people i care about.  i have, once, maybe twice, in my life actually put forth the effort and determination involved to emotionally maim another human being.  people learn from pain.  the stove is hot, you can be told many times but you never know until you get burned.  i have not had the intention to hurt anyone in close to 20 years.  yet, it seems that i find myself doing so on a daily basis by just existing.


the pain isnt one sided.  i hurt as well when i hurt others.  its the worst kind of pain because it is unavoidable.  even putting forth the effort save people from the anguish i put forth just hurts them more.  i hate to be the kid who doesnt get his way here, but goddamn, its just not fair.  the harder i try, the more things go awry.  


surrendering doesnt work either because people, left to their own devices, will create shit just to feel something and often times that feeling is pain.  trying to train themselves to move on and get over something that has crippled them.  the situation is lose-lose for me.  it seems that its lose-lose for anyone around me. like i have this gigantic gravitational pull of negativity that surrounds me that once you cross the event horizon, you are trapped in the gravity well of my depression and anguish that i hide on the inside.  i looked so pretty on the outside until the sting hits and stays for life.


its so fucked up how everything always works out the same despite my best intentions.  ive been putting forth a conscious effort to ensure that things do not get so terminal again and thought i was doing well only to have it blow up in my face again.  a leopard cannot change his spots, but is it because he is unable or because everyone is unwilling to see something other than the spots when they are no longer there?  


the past haunts us all.  we fallible animals called humans.  so convinced that we know the right ways and that our ways should be the only ways.  its all bullshit. left to its own devices, nature and mankind will become better and improve on itself.  perhaps i was born way too early or far too late and this stage of humanity is but a trial period between perfections.  i will never know.  i just have to continue to try to improve and better myself without being dissuaded by my constant failures.  the prospect of things not getting any better is a very frightening thing to look forward to, but what else is there to do but trudge on and keep hoping for the best regardless of the reality that constantly reveals itself instead.


this is a great song that i thought of in the middle of this post, so im going to share it as my closing remark.


lyric excerpt: 
"When left alone, the forests renew themselves.
When left alone, man improves himself, as well.

you always knew, one day, you would destroy me

and i always knew, i would have to be the one to restore me"

'cause if you're on my path, you're better off dead

i listen to too many sad songs with too many powerful lyrics that do not escape my brain when im feeling quite thoughtful or depressed.  it makes already big and difficult problems seem so much larger and cumbersome.  the more i hear about my favorite bands having relationship issues similar to mine, the more i feel like a product of society and a failed human individual.  it breaks my heart.  


i dont feel like posting a bunch of youtube links to the songs, so ill just post of some the lyrics and the band that sings them:
"a heart that hurts is a heart that works" -placebo
"i shall never love again, never place faith in the pleasures of life again, never turning back, lifes wonder has abandoned me now" -sculptured
"lovers always come and lovers always go and no ones really sure whos letting go today"  -guns n roses
"call me a fool but im not, our love changed, and love changed me" -xandria


i know what youre thinking, "with such positive music as that, how could one man ever be depressed?"  sarcasm is such a lovely thing.


having had way too much time alone to think last night, i came to the realization, that if what i have in my life right now doesnt work, i will never be honest or trusting of another human being for the rest of my life.  


we have relationships with people, deep and emotional, where we depend on them for support, recognition and trust.  yet when that relationship ends it seems all bounds of trust do as well.  the walls that separated the lines of secret and common knowledge get frayed and eventually fail causing all the things that people open up to each other about to be lain bare for any who have an interest in looking.


its really no wonder why people no longer know people.  its even less surprising that people are turning to the anonymity of the internet to fulfill those desires and needs.  to connect with people who have like minds without sacrificing secrecy.  the need of everyone is some sense of privacy.  we all have those vicious and secretive inner desires that we share with but a very select few in the hopes that these secrets will remain so indefinitely.  but it doesnt happen that way in this day and age.


media and connectivity have removed the possibility of privacy.  so we all wear our masks and keep our most sacred secrets to ourselves despite our level of commitment to another for we know that nothing lasts forever and want to minimize the hurt that will come from exposing ourselves to even more pain besides the ending of a relationship itself.


we live in a terrible and frightening world, fraught with horrors and teeming with insecurities about what others think of us.  though i claim not to care, and for the most part i dont, its just that life could be much more difficult than it already is.  i do not particularly care what others think of me, so long as it doesnt fuck with my way of life and lifestyle.  i live the way i wish and i wont be judged or demeaned for it.  everyone else should do the same.


wow, if that wasnt a commie statement i dont know what is.  this is what happens when i think too much and cant talk about it.  i go off on rants of the emotional variety and usually end up making blanket statements and feeling foolish for it later.  makes sense now so im going to go with it.

you say, "love is a hell you cannot bear"

so strange is this life.  so imperfect in all its dalliances.  all our mortal lives we seek something.  for some its money.  others its murder or sex.  for me, its happiness.


sounds random, i know.  the impossibility of being happy is something that ruins so many lives.  it is far easier to make money, murder or fuck.  to change ones perspective on an emotionally primal level is an undertaking that move would rather be oblivious to.  it seems so ridiculous to worry so much about changing something that should be inconsequential insofar as it should be naturally occurring and not something to have to focus on to achieve, like breathing.


its frightening, thinking of living an entire life without being happy.  perhaps that is why people need god.  or the idea of god.  they want to believe that all this suffering is for a reason.  otherwise, what is the point of life to be in pain only to die and be done forever.  everyone seems so afraid to live this life.


i believe i have once chance to get it right and ive gotten it wrong for so long that its hard to keep track of my mistakes.  so, i share my happiness with everyone.  you can take it and have a good time with everything, me, life, whatever, or you can leave and ill keep your share to myself and be better for it.  


i wish everyone the best, but i will make the best for myself, or i will die trying.

If you're hungry, why not try a piece of your friend?

the last few days have been a bit on the rougher side.  shit always has a way of catching up and complicating the way i view life.  i hate it, but it still happens. im trying to live my life correctly and be a good person while still savoring every moment as it hits me square in the face.  alas, i am human though and i cant always laugh off the shit that cuts to the bone.  


i suppose we arent supposed to be able ignore every pain.  for the hurt is what teaches us.  without the pain, we would never learn anything.  so what happens when we become numb to the pain?  what happens when we get used to it?  do we no longer learn?  do we need more of the pain, like an alcoholic needs more of the booze to get drunk?  


i woke this morning with even more bruises of unknown origin.  its feels good.  like tasting the blood in your mouth after getting punched or the gashes on my knuckles after getting into a fight.  the cracking of the scabs at every movement for the next week while the wounds heal is a comforting reminder of something pleasant or terribly, but the memory is there none the less.  which is why in the world where pain is the best teacher of the human animal, the masochist reigns supreme.  


all the kids nowadays that are into the tattoos, piercings and scarification have just found an additional way to become enlightened.  the torture that is inflicted through these acts heightens our awareness and we fell quite empowered afterwards.  we wear these badges of our ability to get something done to us that hurts and is optional.  


its the scars that we wear on the inside that no one ever sees that teach us the most.  the ingrained into our souls lessons of broken hearts over the years of all the loves we have lost.  a dear person to me asked me the other day if i have ever been in love so much that it hurts.  my answer is: twice.  to this day, those two girls still come into my mine and tear my guts out from a distance.  one, im sure, hasnt thought of me in many years, the other most likely thinks of me every day and is planning my much deserved demise.  and yet if i had the opportunity to rejoin either of them in their lives, my response would be no.  i have learned my lessons from them already.  yes, i will love them and carry the torch for them till i die and the last word on my dying lips will be their names, but i cant be for them what they need me to be and that would only destroy them which is not something i wish to do.


shit gets convoluted so quickly in my head.  confusion mixed with a seriously lacking memory makes shit more difficult every day to live through and learn from.  never the less, life is constantly teaching me, i just need to start using my amazing powers of observation to keep learning and growing.  stagnation is something that kills.  so, its time for me to learn how to love better and be better.  here i go.

she blew em all away in the shit-storm sweepstakes

it is tough to change things that have been a certain way for a long amount of time. to change ones self is one of the most incredibly challenging things that one can undertake. to be able to look inwards with objectivity is not something a lot of people can do or care to do. its a frightening thing, introspection.

recognizing that a change is required is almost as tough as the changing process. it requires identifying all those negative things about yourself and not simply pointing them out but actively pursuing their eradication. all the dirty little secrets that we hate to speak of and admit to that make us the nasty person that we are.

so when in an effort to change ourselves for the better, we must confront all those things that make us so bad. it is in this confrontation that is the most cathartic. to be able to admit to yourself all of your failings, you gain a sort of purity of self that only arrives through fire of self-realization. it is much easier to revamp yourself into something better once you have gone through the pain of cleaning out your brain.

there are those people out there who say that change is impossible and that a person will always be who they are. its not true. to become something else requires the willingness to suffer through your mistakes and the motivation to not make them again. it is a constant effort to maintain the new things. it will require a lot of work to break the habits that have been with you your whole life. it is more than doable so long as your will power is strong enough to carry you.

for in the end, to become something else, will power is all it takes. will power to deny temptation. will power to perpetuate your motivation to excel. will power to mold oneself into an idealized version of yourself and to ignore all the things that would normally drag you down. strength of mind. once you have that, everything else falls into place over time.

happiness is the best revenge

i remember a lot, but barely a percentage of what ive forgotten. i have lost so much to this that i feel the need to gain so much more from what i can remember. that and i must acquire new memories as rapidly as possible.

i vowed a while ago to change my life and make into something that i not only enjoyed, but something i looked forward to on a daily basis. in this endeavor i have succeeded. i have changed my outlook on life, my thoughts, my mannerisms and from that forged myself into a new person. a man unchanged by the world and instead a changer of it. no more hopes. no more fears. nothing of the man i was before save the perfect things that make me a human worth being around.

i will break everything around me, including every bone in my dying body to be free of the oppression of lifes little idiosyncrasies. the tiny dramas that infect the world of our lives. all the negativity that spills forth from our mouths and hearts to ruin a world for other while attempting to make it utopia for ourselves. the pettiness of the human spirit never amazes me. the idiocy of illogical human emotions is not just predictable but tiresome.

to be god must be horribly boring. to know all that is knowable. to see that there is nothing but forgone conclusions to events that havent happened yet. to see the end from the beginning would really make existing worthless. what is the point of the journey if the starting point and the destination are one in the same? without the experience of the journey there lies to no more purpose to living. if time became un-linear for us mere mortals and the fabric of the universe itself were to unhinge our lives would be irrevocably damaged and undone. but for god, this is everything. all possibilities, all ends and beginnings exiting in one space in time. no future, no past, no sense to living.

so many reasons to not believe. so many reasons to cherish every moment of every breath that is inhaled and absorbed by our body and used to nourish our lives. learning to revel in even the slightest sensations is something that i have come to appreciate and anticipate. this life is short and precious and i will enjoy every second of it that i have left.

i am alone, im not lonely

this life is one shot only. there are no second chances. we have to live our lives according to a set of rules. some people who have no rules or guidelines have no fulfillment to their lives. they remain as vessels passing through each days as if it is a mystical gift of happenstance. taken for granted, the value of life.

we are far too willing to compromise. we let ourselves subjugate ourselves to anothers whims. every time we give up some of ourselves a part of us dies. no, i dont think one can live their life without compromise, but i do not think we should live our lives in a way that every way surrenders our ideals or ideas to the will of another person. we should embrace our personalities and individuality in such a way as we are unique and yet partial reflections of each other.

is there some sort of cosmic reason that people are so willing to bend the knee to a god/ideal/dream/person? is there some random fact of life that causes the majority of people to desire to be spoon fed in order to perpetuate the cycle of laziness? how pathetic is it when people are too lethargic to think for themselves? why have an opinion of your own when the world and popular culture are so willing to give them to you?

i want to pick the scab of life. to peel it away from the newly formed tissue underneath, causing the flesh to regrow yet again into a new and different pattern. the blood and skin eventually seal themselves off into a scar that becomes unique unto itself. a mark. a brand. a seal of my individuality that is the harbinger of a fate that belongs only to me because it is what i have chosen. this statement of my personality and decisions is just the way it is. it is who i am. i will give until im empty and never expect anything in return, but only if that is what i chose to do. i will not be guilted into forever. i will not be beaten into submission.

i have been broken by love on more occasions that i am willing to admit out loud. i have done entirely too many things that i had no desire to do but did anyways because someone expected it of me. i have surrendered myself to failure because i thought i could do no better.

i was wrong.

now, i live life for me. i am making my own choices and bringing about my own death if that is what the end is. when i go, the end will be whatever i chose it to be. i know that when i go i will have lived and loved the way that i want to. that is perfect happiness.