If you're hungry, why not try a piece of your friend?

the last few days have been a bit on the rougher side.  shit always has a way of catching up and complicating the way i view life.  i hate it, but it still happens. im trying to live my life correctly and be a good person while still savoring every moment as it hits me square in the face.  alas, i am human though and i cant always laugh off the shit that cuts to the bone.  


i suppose we arent supposed to be able ignore every pain.  for the hurt is what teaches us.  without the pain, we would never learn anything.  so what happens when we become numb to the pain?  what happens when we get used to it?  do we no longer learn?  do we need more of the pain, like an alcoholic needs more of the booze to get drunk?  


i woke this morning with even more bruises of unknown origin.  its feels good.  like tasting the blood in your mouth after getting punched or the gashes on my knuckles after getting into a fight.  the cracking of the scabs at every movement for the next week while the wounds heal is a comforting reminder of something pleasant or terribly, but the memory is there none the less.  which is why in the world where pain is the best teacher of the human animal, the masochist reigns supreme.  


all the kids nowadays that are into the tattoos, piercings and scarification have just found an additional way to become enlightened.  the torture that is inflicted through these acts heightens our awareness and we fell quite empowered afterwards.  we wear these badges of our ability to get something done to us that hurts and is optional.  


its the scars that we wear on the inside that no one ever sees that teach us the most.  the ingrained into our souls lessons of broken hearts over the years of all the loves we have lost.  a dear person to me asked me the other day if i have ever been in love so much that it hurts.  my answer is: twice.  to this day, those two girls still come into my mine and tear my guts out from a distance.  one, im sure, hasnt thought of me in many years, the other most likely thinks of me every day and is planning my much deserved demise.  and yet if i had the opportunity to rejoin either of them in their lives, my response would be no.  i have learned my lessons from them already.  yes, i will love them and carry the torch for them till i die and the last word on my dying lips will be their names, but i cant be for them what they need me to be and that would only destroy them which is not something i wish to do.


shit gets convoluted so quickly in my head.  confusion mixed with a seriously lacking memory makes shit more difficult every day to live through and learn from.  never the less, life is constantly teaching me, i just need to start using my amazing powers of observation to keep learning and growing.  stagnation is something that kills.  so, its time for me to learn how to love better and be better.  here i go.