your mind goes to dark places, and you wonder why i keep the worst from you

so says Dr. Manhattan to Silk Spectre 2. it is something of a metaphor to my life. i cant always tell the truth for often it would hurt much more than help. i would rather be dishonest than to hurt someone. often the dishonest isnt a lie, its more of an omission of truth. sort of like indifference. a bit more like my life is an allegory to living. telling myself over and over again that things will be different or better in the future and that things have changed now to bring about an outcome other than what it will be.

to say that people are free to select their fates is to say that the breeze is welcome to choose its path. there is no possibility of free will. no possibility choice. people dont seem to realize that its not fate that guides our actions, its consequences. fear is what drives us to do the things we do. threat of reprisals is what guides our hands in making the choices we make.

so only with the lack of conscience will give us freedom to determine our destiny. only through lack of fear do we gain the possibility of living the lives we deserve. trepidation is what rules us and in the end it is what will destroy us.

this prison of skin

went to a rehabilitation center today, where old people rehab new surgeries. it is a frightening thing to see that much age consolidated in one place. to see the shortcomings of humanity reflected in faces that have seen one too many decades. so much pain and confusion in eyes that were so clear and and un-clouded with cataracts. the frailty of age is a bitter reward for staying alive.

all the disabilities that come with extended years. its sickening and disheartening. the fleeting thoughts that once were so clear. the atrophied muscles that use to move mountains. the arthritic knuckles that could write page upon page of text without the slightest cramping. the brittle bones replaced and pieced back together with metal and plastic. no, no i dont think i have any desire to grow old.

im 32 now and i feel the years ticking by. im not as limber as i used to be. im not as spry as once was. i am stronger than before, that strength that builds when someone has used his muscles for so long. ive felt the pain in my joints for years. it is humiliating and humbling to know that the longer i live the more frail i will become and the more dull my wits will be. i dont want eternal youth, i just dont want to suffer the debilitation of being elderly.

the worst is knowing what will happen to me but taking no solace in the fact that when i get older i wont remember what i once was. this wasting away of mental and physical faculties are not just a guesses or semi-predictions, but an eventuality. unchangeable and unescapable fact of life. death comes to us all, but to most of us, not soon enough.

in the woods...

"political correctness: a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."

sometimes certain explanations are more fitting than the more widely popularized ones that they feed us in schools and dictionaries. there are certain websites like Urban Dictionary help to give a much more realistic and practical approach to why things mean what they mean. or at least more descriptive and amusing anyways. it is quite funny to see how words evolve over the years. terminologies gain different meanings and similarly words can mean different things. for example: Moot (1587) has a synonym meaning debatable although through popular usage the meaning has been transformed into something completely opposite. im there are a slew of other examples, but as for right now, i need to go to work.

words are just words. the only thing that bears meaning is the sentiment behind them. one can whisper love every day and have lust and betrayal in their heart. a voice is only so strong as the intent that follows. sadly for us humans, speaking is the most reliable form of communication. similarly, for pity's sake we can only trust the other individuals verbal intent without ever knowing their true intentions.

all we have is what we say and what we know. we use our best judgement to get us through the thick times. trusting our gut to move us about our days, however long or short they may be. if some mistakes are made a long the way, that is a natural disaster that we have to learn to take in stride, for the good and the bad can come with equal strokes. we grow up. we get older. we grow thick skin and learn how to be heard. life is an arduous task that we are granted the yoke of when we are born.

mother is the name for god

on the lips and hearts of all children (or kittens).

goodbye phedre.

never between us, always in the middle

there are a lot of period set movies in hollywood, dealing with 2 decades that seem so unreal and yet are just as simply part of history. 1935-1955. i dont know that those 20 years have a specific title, such as The Roaring Twenties or The Great Depression. so many movies are made in that 2 decade period, that made lots of money and were pretty big deals, L.A. Confidential, Public Enemies, The Black Dahlia to name a few.

the times where volatile then. the country was really coming into its own. it was budding and burning simultaneously. the criminals were insidious and vicious. the cops were militant and violent. the people were overly drugged/medicated and vehemently opposed to realism.

the general populace had a veil over their eyes. a veil that they wanted. they wanted to believe in perfect world where the cops were always right and the bad guys were always black or mexican. even the simplest of downtrodden had stars in their eyes. everyone wanted to be a movie star. so, i suppose, not much has changed.

everything was simpler and easier. everything from crime to drinking to renting hookers to buying a house. there was nothing that couldnt be got and easily. is that the romantic part of that 20 years? no. the romance was in the darkness. the romance was in the love of the times and being able to look back at them and how primitive they were. there were no cellular phones. there were barely any phones in peoples houses. there was no such thing as Touch Tone. tvs were still mostly black and white and only the uber rich could afford something in color. Talkies were becoming every boy and girls dreams. soon after that, those dreams were replaced by becoming astronauts.

i miss the purity of an era that i never experienced first hand. i think this is a bit of a common thing, this urge to return to a time before now. everything seems so much better in the past. it was most likely never was. its more likely that things were quite worse then, especially if we could go back and see them first hand without our delightful creature comforts. i know i would miss my phone, good air conditioning, the internet, shaved pussies.

oh, the simplicities of the past reflected upon now in the future only make it to seem less or more than x, depending upon circumstance.

i had too much to think today. i should sleep, but instead im going to work.

pick your battles, carefully

i started watching The Curious Case of Benjamin Button and there was a PSA about ridding the world of cigarettes.

its all fine and good. a world without cigarettes is a beautiful idea. yes, i smoke. i will continue to do so until i do not want to anymore. i get the idea that people do not want to be subjected to second hand smoke and the odor involved. i would hate to suggest segregation at all, but let the smokers have their places and the non-smokers theirs. it would seem the most logical solution. instead of taking away everyone's free will to do what they please.

point being, taking away peoples right to choose what they want to do with their lives is something that no man, government or god has the authority to take away. know that smoking hurts the body in most irreparable ways. i Chose to do something that has a very likely chance of killing me. though, it is my choice to make. no on else's.

i suppose to be more concise about what my point is; arent there a lot larger issues to be handled? arent there much larger battles to be faught? arent there greater wars to be won? alternative fuels, global warming, needless war, broken hearts?

let people live and chose what they like. stop inflicting everyones opinion on others.

"we are meant to lose the people we love. how else are we supposed to know how much they meant to us?"

fight the power

an Anthem for a generation. still just as true now as it was then. perhaps even more so. there is entirely too much power being thrown about by those who lord over us in government. i hate to sound like the impoverished downtrodden lower class kid with a chip on his shoulder, for i am none of those things. as a kid i was mostly on the lower-middle class but i am 32 now and i have left that long behind. i am not rich. i am not well-off. i am not a college graduate, yet i do well for myself. i have savings and if i was unemployed for 6 months, i would be able to support myself through that time.

never-the-less, i still feel the yoke of the government yanking my throat with everything i do and every tv show and commercial that is flooding our now Digital airwaves. everything from bullshit new about inconsequential things to the Crazy Poiticians who could have been running this country.

now more than ever is the time where we as a people must fight for our Inalienable rights and the free will that was promised to us by birth. we are not indentured servants forced to serve our lives out where our freedom is paid for by death.

wow, sometimes i can be so melodramatic. enough of my bitching and whining for the day i think.