this prison of skin

went to a rehabilitation center today, where old people rehab new surgeries. it is a frightening thing to see that much age consolidated in one place. to see the shortcomings of humanity reflected in faces that have seen one too many decades. so much pain and confusion in eyes that were so clear and and un-clouded with cataracts. the frailty of age is a bitter reward for staying alive.

all the disabilities that come with extended years. its sickening and disheartening. the fleeting thoughts that once were so clear. the atrophied muscles that use to move mountains. the arthritic knuckles that could write page upon page of text without the slightest cramping. the brittle bones replaced and pieced back together with metal and plastic. no, no i dont think i have any desire to grow old.

im 32 now and i feel the years ticking by. im not as limber as i used to be. im not as spry as once was. i am stronger than before, that strength that builds when someone has used his muscles for so long. ive felt the pain in my joints for years. it is humiliating and humbling to know that the longer i live the more frail i will become and the more dull my wits will be. i dont want eternal youth, i just dont want to suffer the debilitation of being elderly.

the worst is knowing what will happen to me but taking no solace in the fact that when i get older i wont remember what i once was. this wasting away of mental and physical faculties are not just a guesses or semi-predictions, but an eventuality. unchangeable and unescapable fact of life. death comes to us all, but to most of us, not soon enough.