I have something to give you. I don't want it anymore. Thirty hours of pain all at once, all for you

i am the silent asshole.  the person that breaks and melts you without a word.  i tear you from the inside out leaving a wasted husk on the surface and a cavernous rage beneath.  with but a look i crush and conform you to my wishes.  with just a glance ive dissolved your inhibitions into paper thin barriers, easily broken through.  i have gnawed and chomped and bitten away at your defenses to leave you laid bare before me.  and im sorry.


its seems that even when im not trying to, im hurting people.  people i love.  people i care about.  i have, once, maybe twice, in my life actually put forth the effort and determination involved to emotionally maim another human being.  people learn from pain.  the stove is hot, you can be told many times but you never know until you get burned.  i have not had the intention to hurt anyone in close to 20 years.  yet, it seems that i find myself doing so on a daily basis by just existing.


the pain isnt one sided.  i hurt as well when i hurt others.  its the worst kind of pain because it is unavoidable.  even putting forth the effort save people from the anguish i put forth just hurts them more.  i hate to be the kid who doesnt get his way here, but goddamn, its just not fair.  the harder i try, the more things go awry.  


surrendering doesnt work either because people, left to their own devices, will create shit just to feel something and often times that feeling is pain.  trying to train themselves to move on and get over something that has crippled them.  the situation is lose-lose for me.  it seems that its lose-lose for anyone around me. like i have this gigantic gravitational pull of negativity that surrounds me that once you cross the event horizon, you are trapped in the gravity well of my depression and anguish that i hide on the inside.  i looked so pretty on the outside until the sting hits and stays for life.


its so fucked up how everything always works out the same despite my best intentions.  ive been putting forth a conscious effort to ensure that things do not get so terminal again and thought i was doing well only to have it blow up in my face again.  a leopard cannot change his spots, but is it because he is unable or because everyone is unwilling to see something other than the spots when they are no longer there?  


the past haunts us all.  we fallible animals called humans.  so convinced that we know the right ways and that our ways should be the only ways.  its all bullshit. left to its own devices, nature and mankind will become better and improve on itself.  perhaps i was born way too early or far too late and this stage of humanity is but a trial period between perfections.  i will never know.  i just have to continue to try to improve and better myself without being dissuaded by my constant failures.  the prospect of things not getting any better is a very frightening thing to look forward to, but what else is there to do but trudge on and keep hoping for the best regardless of the reality that constantly reveals itself instead.


this is a great song that i thought of in the middle of this post, so im going to share it as my closing remark.


lyric excerpt: 
"When left alone, the forests renew themselves.
When left alone, man improves himself, as well.

you always knew, one day, you would destroy me

and i always knew, i would have to be the one to restore me"