i wasnt trying to wreck her life, i was trying to make mine better.

i dont really know what i want to write about, i just felt like writing about something.  so this blog could be long or short or dirty or tame.  i dont know, im just going to go with it.  whatever is on the top of my brain.


watching a movie as i write this called Candy that as near as i can tell is about love, loss and junk.  i had not even heard of this movie until 2 days ago.  it sounded compelling and powerful in a Requiem for A Dream kind of way without being quite as intense but equally emotional.  thusfar i am satisfied with the progression of the movie and building of the characters.  


having done my biweekly trivia last night and the main topic being movies based on drugs it only made sense that i should see this movie.  the more of these films that i see about the downfall of a human being due to the substances that they put into themselves because they are so unhappy with how their lives are going.  is that why people use drugs?  it seems that everyone who uses is trying to escape something.  i suppose we are all trying to escape something though, arent we?


some people are trying to forget about their past, some trying to ignore their future.  others running away from their current lives or just trying to escape themselves for a while so that everything doesnt feel so real.  


escape; isnt that what all the vacation posters and web advertisements and popups that someone work their ways around the blockers browsers have nowadays say?  escape.  its as if everything and everyone out there is trying to convince people that they arent happy, regardless of how everyone feels.  its a wonder why people are trying so desperately to run away from things when the marketing giants of the world are forcing all these thoughts of ill-contentment and unhappiness down our throats.  


the worse we feel, the more money we spend to try to make ourselves happy.  there is no lasting happiness to be bought.  the escape is just a little blanket that we put over us so that we dont have to see the wounds and can ignore the pain for a while because we cant see how badly we are bleeding.  pretty glosses to the scabs we call lives.


i think i will escape into myself.  escape from the outside for a while.  isnt that what these blogs are to me?  these are my drug.  my way of detaching myself from my reality.  sometimes this place works for me, sometimes i just have to not be myself for a spell. how ironic and self serving that my drug that i choose to abuse is myself.  the drug used to fix and kill myself is myself.  


so, no, i dont need your pot/coke/pills/junk/crack/meth, im just fine with what i have inside already and it can kill or thrill just as fast without having to pay for it.