the rain auditions on my window

woke very early this morning to the pounding of rain upon my windows, the ferocious beating attempting to leak its way through my protection of brick and glass. it was glorious. after the briefest of enjoyments, i fell back asleep for another few hours to then wake tired and unrested.

it always happens like that when i wake from a dream or some other outside source. sometimes it is a bit frustrating but other times it is much more of a relief being freed from whatever nightmare of a dream is consuming me so much that it breaks my reverie. other times though, when the dream is not a nightmare i reach some peak or pivotal point and just on the verge of satisfaction, the spell breaks and im ripped back into reality again only to try desperately to find the sleep that just left me and failing in the process.

been a very painful and tiring week. emotionally more than physically. it is much more difficult than anyone thinks, maintaining this solid and unwavering outer shell that i hide beneath. to slough off the things that are said and done that hurt me as if they were as inconsequential as dew on the grass on a warm spring morning. i have built myself into this, this bold and hardened statue of physically and emotion impenetrability. suffering in silence is much more preferable to me, though it does complicate interpersonal relationships a lot.

i was always taught to be sensitive and compassionate to other peoples pain. but lately ive realized it is much less empathy and more more pity. not pity for their problems mind you, pity because they are too weak to have the self control to be able to deal with it on their own. it sounds callous and self serving, but it is the truth. i do care that other people are hurting and having a rough time of it. i do try to make these people feel better about what is wrong with them and offer solutions to their dilemmas. most of the time though, no matter how true whatever i say is, the people listen intently to what i have to say only to do whatever it is that they think will help them and yet always wind up back in the same place a short time later.

no, i dont have all the answers. no, im not the smartest person on the planet. i do, however, have a strong sense of logic and practicality that i wish i could teach people. it seems we humans are often led by our emotions than our sensibility. there doesnt have to be just one or the other, but an effective balance it seems would be more beneficial than the constantly blundering forward from mistake to mistake that is currently present.

i love and hate humanity simultaneously and it makes every day a chore just to muster the will to get out of bed. i do get out of bed though and continue on with my life in my detached hopelessness until the time of change comes. i have no need to fight for it because it will come on its own. i just have to be ready for it. and i am.