whiskey and cigarettes

life is a funny beast that i will never understand. everything just goes crazy sometimes. just when you have everything figured out (or so you think), life has a funny way of turning that different. the mind plays funny tricks on itself when it thinks that it has everything figured out.

mine probably a bit more so than most. i have a confidence and cockiness that folks tend to revile it as they envy it. i wont call it a blessing or a curse, but it is definitely there and i dont want it gone. my attitude has gotten me through so much and saved me a lot more conflict than it has caused. it does tend to ruin every relationship that ive ever attempted. i think i have that aspect of it under control as of right now, but only time will tell what will happen with all of my mistakes and choices.

to call myself a new man is more of a misnomer here because im not a new man in the strictest sense, just have a new perspective on a who i am and what i do. its more broad and feels more open to new things. i am a lot more in tune with myself than i used to be. i am a lot more open minded about a lot more and i know a great deal more about myself. i have realized a lot of things that were always there but i never understood before. the biggest problem with being strange and is weirdness of it all. im different, i know it. now i happen to know a lot of the reasons why. having this understanding of myself would seem like a boon, but i wont know the full extent of it for some time to come.

then again, like breathing, all this knowledge is also a curse. for every drop of thought i have, its synonymous with every breath that i take that pulls me one step closer to the day that none of this will matter anymore. that is a day that i relish and invite. it seems that my will to live is growing all the more elusive every day.