no power in the 'verse

it appears that i have an eerie obsession with end of the world and powerful aliens overtaking humankind kind of genre. hey, i dont mind really. i like the thought of finding conclusive evidence of alien life. in the book i recently finished, Childhoods End, a very similar beginning like the one in V, dozens of ships appear over major metropolitan cities across the globe.

the difference in childhoods end is that the aliens are benevolent, to a point. they arent on about a secret agenda to use people as food. instead they are shepherds sent forth by the overmind to act as a guide to usher in the next stage of human evolution. is it the greatest book ive ever read? no. is it a very good version of a world ending scenario. it is something that i would love to happen.

i want that proof. i want to know for a fact that there are other races and species out there. i know it in my gut. i know that logically there is no other obvious outcome to the potential of the universe than for thousands of thousands of varieties of intelligent life scattered across the universe. someday, some part of the human race will know it too. whenever we venture to the stars in a vehicle capable of traversing the the black between solar systems. someday when i am long gone, the truth will be evident to everyone not just the ones with logic and intelligence on their side. i wish that day could be in my lifetime. then again, i wish a great many things that will never come to pass.

around the focal point...

i saw a trailer today for a new (read: revamped) mini-series that i loved as a child and that i own as an adult V. i think quite possibly that it was v that started my science fiction obsession. something that i am quite thankful for. science fiction is just science fact of the future. anyways, here is the new Trailer for the new V. i gotta say, damn, it looks quite cool. im not one for the Re-inventing, Re-Imagining and Re-Tooling of some otherwise classic shows, this one looks more like a great Re-Interpretation of the original and something that i would like to put my attention in to.

i am a steadfast believer in the purity of the original things. there is just no making up for the originals. no matter how many times they bring something back, the new fails to live up to the old (for the most part) and never surpasses it, except in perhaps one case, Battlestar Galactica. much better than the original and vastly more enjoyable. im sure there are more though i cant think of them at the time being.

point is, everything that i ever needed to know about life, i could easily learn from The Twilight Zone. seriously. nothing is ever as it seems. there is no time like the preset. tomorrow you could die and come back and die again and no one would ever know better. the world is a tough but beautiful place that can be our friend as well as our home; and yet just as easily be our enemy and our doom. and To Serve Man is a cookbook.

whiskey and cigarettes

life is a funny beast that i will never understand. everything just goes crazy sometimes. just when you have everything figured out (or so you think), life has a funny way of turning that different. the mind plays funny tricks on itself when it thinks that it has everything figured out.

mine probably a bit more so than most. i have a confidence and cockiness that folks tend to revile it as they envy it. i wont call it a blessing or a curse, but it is definitely there and i dont want it gone. my attitude has gotten me through so much and saved me a lot more conflict than it has caused. it does tend to ruin every relationship that ive ever attempted. i think i have that aspect of it under control as of right now, but only time will tell what will happen with all of my mistakes and choices.

to call myself a new man is more of a misnomer here because im not a new man in the strictest sense, just have a new perspective on a who i am and what i do. its more broad and feels more open to new things. i am a lot more in tune with myself than i used to be. i am a lot more open minded about a lot more and i know a great deal more about myself. i have realized a lot of things that were always there but i never understood before. the biggest problem with being strange and is weirdness of it all. im different, i know it. now i happen to know a lot of the reasons why. having this understanding of myself would seem like a boon, but i wont know the full extent of it for some time to come.

then again, like breathing, all this knowledge is also a curse. for every drop of thought i have, its synonymous with every breath that i take that pulls me one step closer to the day that none of this will matter anymore. that is a day that i relish and invite. it seems that my will to live is growing all the more elusive every day.

irreligious

evil is prove of god's existence. so says the title of the book in the beginning of the Amityville Horror (2005) and it somehow also acts as proof for militant christian factions. certain Blogs would have the general and impressionable masses believe that the popular mislabeling of Evil refers to all the amoral and not good things that happen to and by us humans. such a blanket label of negativity makes very little sense. and yet there are people who fervently believe this sacrilege against the human condition. this blasphemy toward nature.

i read a blog from the lead singer of a legendary band called Paradise Lost on their myspace page that inspired me further to write this blog today.

"The thoughts behind the title “Faith Divides Us Death Unites Us” (forth coming cd -ttt)

are very much self explanatory, there is so much division in the world
caused by obstructing religious belief. We are all made of the same
flesh and bone, what makes one religions better than the other, and
would any true god allow his creation to destroy itself? The vast
number of different so called faiths around the globe, just helps to
strengthen my complete denial of any god, and force the belief that
religion is nothing more than a man made cash induced fabrication to
exploit a human beings natural fear of death." --Nick Holmes

i couldnt have said it better myself. the vast monetary conglomerate of religion is poisoning the minds of not just the youth of the world, but the elderly and weak minded of the middle-aged too. it is a nightmare to me to think about the possibility of a soul. to think that there is some sort of life after Death only delegitimizes the word and our concept of what life is all about and how to live it to its fullest.

is death a terrible thing? i suppose it really just depends on how you have lived your life. how you have embedded and shared your memories with those who survive you. for that is the only soul that shares any form of similar manifestation of who and what we were. in all actuality the soul is most likely just the residual energy that is left in our decaying corpse that will eventually become one with the earth that bore it. that is the immortality given to us from life. the immortality that there is something of us in the billions of years that will come. our energy will be here in the heart of a star, the core of a planet, the fusion tail of a comet or just a spec of microscopic space dust. yes, we do live on after death, but as energy, not some effigy of the culmination of our good deeds weighed against our bad ones.

heaven, zion, elysium, valhalla or asgard; whatever name you wish to call the peaceful afterlife peddled to mankind from books written by other men (not gods), it is a pipe dream. an elusive place from which there is no return. it is elusive because it exists only in the minds of the deluded. those who think that by somehow denying themselves their baser and more primal instincts (read: immoral) they will earn their way into this perfect world of unending happiness ever present pleasure.

what is far more likely to me is reincarnation. not in the way that our consciousness is changed into some other physical manifestation, for our personalities and memories die with us, but that our energy is used as the building blocks of another life form. something like a little of our physical selves is used to nourish the organisms that feed on our corpses to sustain life and therefore we continue on as life for something else. we feed the earth with our death. we feed the universe and are much more productive to the universe as a whole by being a life sustaining nutrient as a corpse than we ever were in the littering, wasteful and leaching organisms we call human beings.

hell bound, spell bound

what is more valuable, Free Will or World Peace? it seems a bit on the obvious side now, though i had never realized it before, but free will and world peace cannot co-exist. the realization hit me this morning. its such a strange notion. yes, peace on earth between all mankind is such a lovely notion. i understand the beauty of it. perfect world is an admiral goal. i would love to live in this world.

that is what i tell myself, but the truth of the matter is i love my free will. as does everyone else on the planet. that is the problem with world peace is that so many people with their wants and needs will always want and need things that the other people wont and therefore no peace. petty arguments will explode and people will become enraged.

i might believe in peace, but i believe so much more in free will. i will always be one to make my own choices. i will always be one to make my decisions. i have a very deep rooted passion for choosing my own path in life. ive made tons of mistakes, but they are mine to make. i try not to repeat myself or make the same mistakes twice, but sometimes it is unavoidable. life has a funny way of making people believe they make choices but in fact, the choice was made for them strictly by odds. ive had that issue so many times. logic would dictate that obvious choice would somehow be the easiest, but often times, it isnt.

bah, enough of the meandering prattle. my word-salads are getting increasingly bothersome.

while its fresh

scary moment coming up for me tonight; i am working solo for my first time. it should be good fun. i know what i am doing, mostly. it is a bit on the humbling side though. after this first time, all should be well though. have to be broken in sometime though right?

of all the things i could write about today, i cant seem to pick one of them. yesterdays was long and arduous task. i put a lot of feeling into that one. again with the choices. which way to go, what choices to make, what course to i push my life, what do i write about in this blog. how about fate?

life is what we make it out to be. we make out decisions and choose our own destinies. i believe that our lives a built upon our past decisions and the decisions we will make in the future. a bit like Chaos Theory in that our choices ripple outward like paths of an infinite selection through a heavy foliaged woods. we cannot see where the paths end or how many divergent routes there are among the choices we make. we can see a bit into the future, sometimes more so than others, but there are no guarantees because everyone else makes their own paths that intersect with ours and divert our initial goals.

we can make some assumptions about what tomorrow will bring, but in the end, everything is guided by us and by everyone else. there is no complete control. we have but illusions of consistency and delusions of our potential to guide our lives. take out victories where we can win them and accept our losses and failures when they occur. there are plenty of times that our inadequacies will bring us up short. roll with the punches and move on. get over it and get over ourselves. we are not as important as we think.

c'est la vie. moving on and moving along.

id break the back of love for you

i saw a very disturbing bumper sticker on a car today, it read: go army sign up to fight socialism.

really? join the army to fight socialism? i cant tell you the slew of reasons that i have issues with that entire statement. there are a more than a couple though. for one, i suppose i am one of those bleeding hearted liberals. i dont feel like a liberal, but what i feel seems to make me one. i believe that everyone should be treated equally. i believe that everyone should be payed the same (let me clarify that. set up a base payment, say 30k-150k differential salary based on the amount of education required to perform a specific task. have a bottom and a top, but put them in a reasonable level of each other so that it will mimic economic equality as much as human greed will let it.). i know it sounds a bit confusing, but im also trying to describe a complex set of social and governmental ideals into short and concise sentences. not an easy thing to do while trying to be specific.

the United States of America (notice that this is not a Democracy, because though we do have a lot of oppression of the Majority over Minority, our legal system keeps it "under control") has its share of issues. its share of contradictions and confusing statements. there are a lot of overbearing things that our government does that we blindly ignore, if simply because we feel that they are justified in doing so. in turning our heads away from these glaring and bothersome occurrences we lend credence to their subjugation of us. if you do not believe that this is true go to the store and buy some medicine that is not FDA approved. get on a plane that doesnt have a flight plan logged with FAA . listen to the radio or watch a show on tv that isnt governed by the FCC.

i hear the arguments here already stating how these things are for the betterment of mankind and for the protection of the people, and that might be true, but it is, never the less, subjugation and control. we are so happy to give up our liberties for comfort. so eager to throw away our decision making abilities for the luxury of peace of mind. so willing to give up our basic human rights of choice and chance for the security of passivity. dont rock the boat. dont ask questions. dont take chances. do as we are told and everything will be provided to us (at a cost obviously because giving up our inalienable human rights to them as currency, has no monetary value).

like it says on the hidden track of Bobby Baun by Good Riddance (i scoured the internet for a transcript of the spoken word hidden track that sounds like a psa but couldnt find the text) "our powers of persuasion are so subtle that you wont even know you are being subjugated".

i am a slave to comfort. i am a slave to commercialism. i am a slave to a government that is more concerned with extending it regime to every third world country on the planet and thusly increasing its astronomical debt than it is with creating a true unity of people and class for a better world tomorrow. i am a slave to the ideal of freedom and its complete lack of probability. i am a slave to ideals set in motion by dead men who never could have known things would end up like this. i am a slave so long as i let this or any other country control my well being. i am a slave to this and so much more, but the difference between you and i is; i know im a slave and im unhappy about it.

i do not want to serve anymore. i do not want to serve anyone in meeting goals that mean nothing to me. i believe in a world where people would do their jobs because they love it and are good at it instead of doing things based purely on profit. i believe in the freedom of man and the protections of those freedoms. i believe that the most qualified should lead, not the richest or most popular. i believe in a world that does not and cannot exist. the human heart harbors so much animosity, greed and jealousy that a perfect world can never exist until these self destructive traits are bread out of us or eliminated through some other, unknown to us now, means. by which point i would most likely be dead and forgotten, which doesnt sound terribly unappealing.

insensitivity training

i think a large majority of the issues with the world today is all the goddamn sensitivity. everyones little crybaby bullshit pet peeves. it seems like some people throw themselves at any cause they can find just so they have something to complain about.

i wore a shirt yesterday, sorry i cant seem to find a picture link to it, but to describe it;

HELP STOP RAPE

--------------

c o n s e n t

i have found a ton of Places all over the web that have Threads on so many different Blogs about how offensive shit is and how it shouldnt be sold, worn or bought by anyone. what a bunch of humorless fuckwits. i am terribly sorry that your lives are so dull and monochrome that the only taking of everyone else's fun and good humor is their mission statement.

i seriously do not care about your personal hang ups. i do not care about how you were raped as a child or that your grandmother was a racist who said nigger every other word or that you are a jew with a tattoo number on your arm. none of these things affect me because i have gotten over it. i have learned to let shit go and not take everything so personally. if you live your life taking every so seriously and close to heart, you are bound to waste your life being pissed off instead of enjoying lifes pleasures.

there are causes for people to get behind. always fights that "victims" will have to fight back against. for me though, i just want to grow up and move on. i want to enjoy my life and no worry about the shit that gets me down or all the mistakes and wrongs that people have done to me. sure, i can carry the grudge, but im not going to because i have better things to do.

90 degrees, no fucking way

been raining for about 18 hours straight now. so beautiful. the only complaint i have about this amazing weather is the way it wreaks havoc on my sinuses. if it wasnt so beautiful i might actually hate it. the dark and beautiful clouds with the concussive thunder and blinding lightning just put me in such a good mood when i wake up to them. sure, it makes it hard to wake up when its all dark and dreary, but to enjoy the weather, one must be awake to experience it.

i drag myself out of bed and shuffle around the house with the dark spilling through the windows. i hear the rapping of the drizzle banging on my air conditioner pleading to be let in or at least not be ignored. another patch of thunderstorm rolling though now. the sky is grumbling through my walls like my stomach when im late for lunch.

on a different note, Porn Star Infected With AIDS. i can see both sides of this coin, yes, condoms are safe, safer anyways. the thing with porn is that its just not enjoyable for me as a consumer when the dude is wearing a rubber. hence the reason i can see both sides. as a consumer, i want the look and the feel of real fucking when im looking at fucking. because of the time involved in the testing, it would only make sense to implement a specific period of time between scenes. seems like a lovely compromise to me. that way everyone is safe and still making money and movies and we as the customer dont get annoyed. makes sense to me. all it means is that one person wouldnt be able to do multiple scenes too often. yeah, makes sense. ah, what the fuck do i know?

what good is any of it now?

A Meeting Place and Time

A meeting place and time.
Our chance to make amends.
Weather to meet as planned,
Or reach out for, the cold, upper hand.
[clean]
A meeting place and time.
Of which neither of them would show.
A meeting Place and Time.
A meeting place and time.
Pictured in our minds.
To stand up, from a table,
And prepare for the outside.
[clean]
A meeting place and time.
Neither of them would show.
A meeting place and time.
Neither of them would know.
'I wouldn't miss it for the world.'
with that having been said,
Could you be careful with your words,
Because my world is in your hands.
It was a year ago today,
I put a desperate man to death.
He was the man I used to be,
He trusted every word you said.
[spoken]
You can wait no more...it's time to go home.
I hope it's cold, everyday, where you are...
For this place, is where neither of us will meet.
For this time when neither of us will wait.
And this is the end of this burden of yours and mine.
This is the end, of this well rehearsed story of you and I.
This meeting place and time.
The story of you and I.

[Lyrics by David Gold]

i have so many favorite songs by this band. if i ever have the chance to meet david, i owe him a very large drink. perhaps his body weight in liquor. i see myself in so many things he has written. its not just about the writing either, his musical presentation is in perfect form. i see and feel so much of myself reflected in his writings.

that is the beauty of music. there must be thousands of people who feel the same way i do about thousands of bands and artists. a world without music would be a torture that i would never want to bear. my life was enriched over many years and hours of listening to all the beautiful and painful music that i own and love. everyday brings a new understanding and appreciation of the old favorites and new ones that i just happened to find.

remember; there is no destination, there is only the journey.

Digital Versatile Disk

DVD, sometimes grand, sometimes hell.  i found something quite funny and yet true on the interwebs today.  the blog has some good points and some quite moronic ones that have turned me off quite a bit from his stuff.  This Article/Entry (sorry, he has embedding turned off so i cant post it here), is pretty how i feel about dvds also.  i have a passion for them and therefore they have a bit of a hold on me and how i feel.  a dvd has never ruined my day or anything like that, but they have frustrated me quite a bit in the past and sometimes on a daily basis.  

as frustrating as they are, they do have some very entertaining moments that can be relived with your friends on those good moments and have the beauty of being an opportune cure for those awkward ones too.  things like this:

aint it grand? i can think of so many time those things have in-

spired so many good thoughts and quotable times with my friends.

you know you love it. sure, they arent all great, nor are they all

your favorites, but you can appreciate them regardless. at least i

hope so.

addiction and disease

what is it that separates the two?  we have so many different names for a lot of similar things.  Mental Disorder, Addiction, Dependency, ect.  there are so many things that plague everyone now days.  we have to justify events and actions to ourselves.  some people can say yes, some can say no.  it is a force of habit that moves our wishes into reality and actions.  our decisions guide us.  our decisions are what make us.  the most important thing to remember is that they are our decisions.   there is no destiny or predestination.  

it sounds crass and insensitive of me to say this, but that is what kind of person i am, im not sure i believe in addiction.  i dont believe in mental disorder.  i believe in strong and weak.  the strong can say no to the urges that tempt them and the weak cannot.  i believe that the weak and the strong are both necessary to life on this planet, from a social point of view.  humanity has to have a downtrodden and a heroic.  this balance is what keeps life interesting.  

yes, i do not understand how people can not say no to their habits (wow, convoluted sentence much?).  drunks who cant say no to the drink, junkies who know the junk will kill them and keep shooting, gamblers who lose their houses for one more roll of the dice or flip of the card and bulimics who puke themselves into oblivion.  i dont get it.  i am trying to see both sides.

i try to understand what it is that drives people.  there is only so much you can understand someone elses motivation.  there is only so much anyone can grasp from another persons psyche.  people have their own motivations and desires and those are only theirs to deny or accept.  i know there are a lot of reason that people do what they do, lots of which has to do with who they are and how they were raised.  sadly, people are products of their environment.  people are subjected to all types of conditioning and programing at home by their parents and teachers.  if we can rise above our shortcomings, we can argue the predestination thing as being non existent because of that.

in the end, it is all about choice.  choice and free will.  better yourself or die just the same as you have always have been.  in the end though... it is a choice.  it is your choice, it is my choice and no matter what is happening in our lives, it is our decisions that guide us down whatever path we have chosen for ourselves. 

is the juice worse the squeeze?

"Maybe the stuff you have to do to help her isnt so clean.  You know what?  It doesnt matter.  Because in your heart you know that the juice is worth the squeeze."  

funny words.  is it true?  is it possible?  can the juice ever be worth the squeeze?  most likely not.  can there ever be an outcome worth the effort?  i heard a saying long ago, "No matter how gorgeous a girl is, there is always some guy out there that is sick of her shit".  now that is an appropriate saying.  

not saying the guys dont have their emotional and physical baggage that they bring forth to a relationship, however, guys being less emotionally motivated than girls tend to get over it a lot easier.  men are simpler beings with more simple wants and needs.  if only we fellas could convince women to be more simple in the emotions area the life would be so much easier for all of us.  however, it is the over-feeling that girls have that draws us guys to them.  that and apparently breasts too, for most guys.  

im so tired of all this bullshit.  time is lost and fought and beats down on the existence we have here called life.  we get old and we die, but the bullshit rarely ends before death.  barring a coma, i cannot find a way to be free.  confusion should be a trade-able currency.  we should be able to buy sell and trade in suffering.  there is so much of that in the world, that it should be no issue changing the popular form of payment to something that everyone has in abundant supply. 

preservation through destruction

ah, how true is that.  the only way to maintain perfection is through memories.  its so true.  the past becoming the future is impossible.  one can never relive the days that were so amazing in our histories.  we look back and see all the glory days of youth and splendor with all those happy thoughts that helped us grow up to be the well adjusted individuals we are today.  

all the attempts that i have made to relive the past or to recreate the instances which were so awesome always end up in failure and disappointment.  happy times and the good ol' days are long gone and cannot be relived.  if you are unlucky like me, you are lucky to remember them.  

heard something funny, "Anger is just fear of loss or pain".  how true can that be?  i dont know that i can remember what happened when i was angry last.  im sure it was recent, but being able to analyze how i was feeling at the time.  i have to explore this a bit in the future, because now i am curious and i would like to test this theory out.  it has to be pure anger though, nothing manufactured or forced.  i just have to make sure to remember that i want to explore this the next time that it happens.

so little time on this planet.  such short lives that are lived too fast.  too few dreams realized and too much time wasted on trying to acquire such unnecessary things.  ive wasted and failed for too long.  i need to move on and grow smarter as i grow older.  happiness will never be found in the past, for the past holds only fleeting memories and effigies of ghosts that no longer care to haunt for they have moved on as we all should, no matter how broken it keeps us.   

too much to think

i am watching The Day The Earth Stood Still (trailer) and it is so frightening to me to think about how our contact with an alien race would be.  the way kathy bates' character (she plays the secretary of defense) reacts to everything is so predictable.  predictable and scary because i can imagine that it is such a common, hostile and standard reaction that i think if a situation were to occur that it might be ruined by a small group of peoples fear and insecurity.  all the alien wants to do is address the United Nations to speak with them about the state and future of the planet.  seems simple enough right?  an alien race who are advanced beyond our imagination says, "i would like to address your world leaders".  so in typical arrogant american fashion, they said no and attempted to drug and interrogate the alien.  attack what you dont understand, that is the human way isnt it?  Xenophobia is the most obvious and alarming excuse for commonality of actions among men.

perhaps i am just different than most, because i relish the unknown.  i want to find that goal for the betterment of mankind that i can leap, headfirst, into.  it kills me how the ignorance of humankind can be imposed on all of us.  from someone else (Alien, if you will) looking in at us, its no wonder why they would think they need to save the planet from us.  we are unwilling to save it ourselves.  therein is the lesson.  therein is our demise.

because the end is coming

funny how catharsis works.  this strangely self-serving monologue of rhetorical questions is growing tiresome to me.  i spend tons of time here musing over what emotional and idiotic things i will be doing next.  surely this long string of failed experiments and life choices will someday not be such a tumultuous downfall.  "the truth is like a sword, cuts deep."  truer words were never spoken.  

i keep telling myself someday this and someday that, but it is really just a lazy stalling tactic.  i dont know the future anymore than i can remember the things that i forgot long ago.  the past is an illusive nightmare of horrifying and true images of my darkest fears and sickest wishes.  there is always so much stress and disappointment accompanying the daily process of living.  the irony behind this thing called "life"; it is so short, so fraught with peril and so painful in its existence.  what really is the point behind this life?  what good things do we do for the betterment of the universe?  we blink into existence and wink out before anything good can come of our repeated failures.

i could scream to the empty heavens about the lack of fairness of the human life, but again, a worthless endeavor that would serve no purpose.  procrastination.  that is something that has become synonymous with life.  life is the procrastination between oblivions.   there is no heaven, no hell, no great event of faithful awareness.  there is only our depressingly short lives between the forever of emptinesses. 

honesty is a lie

you go your entire life trying to make things easier on everyone.  sometimes its via the truth, sometimes, not so much.  the truth is something that is ever so dangerous and yet glorified depending on circumstance.  every situation has an outcome based on facts and happenings relative to it; however the problem with that is that everyone sees and feels things differently.  the state of interpretation of those things that were seen, heard and felt will have a divergent and yet sometimes similar while other times completely different will then be remembered by these different individuals unique unto their persons.  

in conclusion, facts are only facts relative to each individual.  people will never be able remember a situation or a set of events accurately to the completion of someone else's memory.  humans are subjective beings.  humans feel and interpret everything that hits our senses.  what smells wonderful and happy to me (that rich earthy smell, like hot brown sugar, of the air before the first rain in days or the flour-y dough smell that permeates the humidity in the air of some freshly proofed bread) could smell nauseating (fresh brewed coffee, melted chocolate, dead fish, solarcaine) to others.  hence when i speak of suggestion, memories and honesty, everything can only be from my perspective and i wouldnt expect anyone else to understand or even sympathize.  

honesty is a good thing and a bad thing all at once.  so i shall have to use my own judgement based on situation and company, and use all those factors to determine  what is the best course of action at any given time.  terrible isnt it?  terrible that everything has gotten so fucked that the only way to proceed is to over-think all the aspects of my life.  i suppose that thanks to wracking my brain with every sentence then my brief lifespan will seem all the more long when i spend forever coming to the conclusion of one thought.

what is the point?

this meandering and coiling course of emotions that involve love, loss, regret and anger.  it has this ever tightening hold on my feelings and liability.   the purpose of all this overflow of turmoil wreaks it havoc on my mental state.  constantly questioning what is going on with how im feeling and why im feeling this way.  trying to find the purpose in this hurricane of everything negative and positive that has culminated my life to this peak of understanding coupled with confusion.  unfortunately there are no answers forthcoming.  there is no grand conclusion with the solution to issues of inadequacy and self-resentment that have been plaguing me for so long now.

wow, that was some mopey self-hating shit right there.  been a tough few days for me.  my cat (who is 15ish) has a bad heart murmur, a potassium deficiency and hypertension (which caused him to go blind).  he has 3 medicines that i have to give him everyday, one of them twice daily.  im glad the little bastard is fixed, because i love him, i just wish he hadnt gotten sick right now, for i just had to drop 400 bucks on my car and then another 280 on him.  right at the beginning of the month when rent and everything else is due.  however with a little struggling and some effort i can get through it and deal with all the other bullshit that is destroying my sanity and happiness.   just what i need, something ELSE to consume me.

sorry i didnt put this up yesterday, i just couldnt be tasked to do so.

i want to show you everything

everyday is a learning experience.  i suppose that is just how life is and should be.  everyday, something new.  there is so much out there to know and feel.  i know that i have done things in the past that have shaped the person that i have become today.  i get that, and for the most part, i am ok with it.  there are a lot of things that have become something so much more than they ever should have been, and for some of those things, i am quite grateful and others i am very ashamed.  i have not lived my life in the most productive or satisfying way.  i have filled my life with a lot of disappointment and regret.  i have not learned my lessons time and time again.  i continue to make the same mistakes that i told myself that i was done making.

enough of the pittyfest.  i am not going to whine anymore about how i have so many mistakes in the past.  i will not dwell on the things i cannot change.  i can never undo what i have done, so from here on, i surrender.  i will do the things that i will do and things will happen according to whatever happens.  

having said that, a new day is dawning.  no more promises, no more lies.  to quote a band whom i love; "i will continue to give to this world, knowing i may never receive". 

The Will to Give

more and better update tomorrow.