in all likelihood, you probably wont be coming back

ah, bad television has the best one liners, "that sounds like a tomorrow problem, lets get out of here". love the silliness there. then again, how many times have i thought something similar? im sure plenty. if i stopped and thought about it, im sure i wouldnt be able to think of one instance, but i know there have been a few.

as i was driving home from lunch today, i had a thought: there comes a point in time in almost everyones life that they realize that would be more productive to society if they were dead. its not depression that brings this thought to me, just a realization about the nature of life and the reality of our lives.

life itself is a very fleeting and fragile thing. it has made me wonder on a great many occasions about the nature of its purpose. human beings mainly. everything else seems to have a specific purpose. there appears to be a very obvious balance between life forms. if there is too much of one species that overwhelms its natural predator, then another predator or some other factor comes into play and regulates things or shifts the balance a different direction. granted, this takes some time.

the problem with the blight of humanity is that we have found ways to not just circumvent this natural equalizer but to continue reproducing to point that we arent just going to end up killing ourselves, but the rest of the planet. im not a green advocate or one of those protesting hippies who are always making a big stink about whatever they can to "raise awareness" for they are thinking way too small.

think of the earth as an organism. the equivalent of what they want done is having an animal that is bleeding in thousands of places simultaneously and only having 2 hands and a tissue to stop the bleeding. sure, one of those wounds will be staunched but not before every other wound kills the animal.

drastic times require drastic measures. that is what mankind is missing nowadays. in the ancient times people knew simple things like that. we have grown so complacent in our decadence that the majority of humans cant even recognize that there is a problem, much less think about the sacrifices required to fix it.

i am but one of millions who has an idea about how to fix our situation and yet i have no ability to implement my ideas. and its fine. ill be laughing as the world burns around everyone while people run around frantically praying and begging from the empty skies to know why they have to die for they did nothing wrong. ah, but that is exactly it, they did nothing and that is what they did wrong.

people ask me all the time, "do you really want the world to end?" and i say, "yes". i think its time for earth to reboot itself. time for the human plague to be extinct, buried and salted. it seems so harsh and im constantly asked if i know that i am one of the people who would be dead. obviously i would be gone. at this point, its not about me anymore. its not about any one person. is about all of us. the scourge of earth.

Fuck me gently with a chainsaw

i was really wanting to go out play some pool, drink some beer and generally lose myself tonight. it didnt happen. the sheer thought of walking out and having to use my voice was just too daunting a task for me. i just couldnt seem to bring myself muster the energy to leave the house and relate to the real world. my patience for the real world has run dry.

i have stayed huddled up in my personal prison/sanctuary of the apartment that i have built for myself. after doing my grocery shopping this morning, i am set for a couple weeks and i only really need to leave the apartment for work. the place i go to to afford my solitude. i suppose it affords me some measure of relief from my introspective depression, going to work to bring light to other peoples lives. my survival depends on the outings of my employment. the opportunity to lose myself in other peoples problems and turn that turmoil of theirs into something much happier so that they leave feeling better than they did when they came in.

it usually works the same for me too, but my overwhelming notion of eventual failure keeps me from leaving feeling any better than i did when i got there. the more i look around and try to compose myself to notice all the nuances of what i might have done wrong, or simply not done completely right, leaves me with the feeling of trepidation when i leave work that i have left a great many things undone. it is abysmal.

the pessimism of life is sometimes overwhelming. i just hold my breath until the pressure in my chest subsides and my rapid pulse slows itself and my heart stops trying to pry its way out of my chest with a pick axe. the breath becomes calm, the eyes stop watering and reality solidifies into something less dreamlike so i can get on with my life.

by the time i have to work tomorrow at 4 i should be free of these hinderances. if not, i will just push them to the side and lose myself in countless drinks and odd concoctions that fill rocks and pint glasses to offer liquid liberty/freedom/courage to those who would otherwise be lacking the confidence or loquaciousness to succeed in whatever endeavor they are attempting. i give that to everyone but myself it seems.

the box that holds my emotions leaks from time to time and when it does, people get hurt. im done with it. the box is sealed. can someone really miss love when they have realized that it is simply the herald of pain?

the rain auditions on my window

woke very early this morning to the pounding of rain upon my windows, the ferocious beating attempting to leak its way through my protection of brick and glass. it was glorious. after the briefest of enjoyments, i fell back asleep for another few hours to then wake tired and unrested.

it always happens like that when i wake from a dream or some other outside source. sometimes it is a bit frustrating but other times it is much more of a relief being freed from whatever nightmare of a dream is consuming me so much that it breaks my reverie. other times though, when the dream is not a nightmare i reach some peak or pivotal point and just on the verge of satisfaction, the spell breaks and im ripped back into reality again only to try desperately to find the sleep that just left me and failing in the process.

been a very painful and tiring week. emotionally more than physically. it is much more difficult than anyone thinks, maintaining this solid and unwavering outer shell that i hide beneath. to slough off the things that are said and done that hurt me as if they were as inconsequential as dew on the grass on a warm spring morning. i have built myself into this, this bold and hardened statue of physically and emotion impenetrability. suffering in silence is much more preferable to me, though it does complicate interpersonal relationships a lot.

i was always taught to be sensitive and compassionate to other peoples pain. but lately ive realized it is much less empathy and more more pity. not pity for their problems mind you, pity because they are too weak to have the self control to be able to deal with it on their own. it sounds callous and self serving, but it is the truth. i do care that other people are hurting and having a rough time of it. i do try to make these people feel better about what is wrong with them and offer solutions to their dilemmas. most of the time though, no matter how true whatever i say is, the people listen intently to what i have to say only to do whatever it is that they think will help them and yet always wind up back in the same place a short time later.

no, i dont have all the answers. no, im not the smartest person on the planet. i do, however, have a strong sense of logic and practicality that i wish i could teach people. it seems we humans are often led by our emotions than our sensibility. there doesnt have to be just one or the other, but an effective balance it seems would be more beneficial than the constantly blundering forward from mistake to mistake that is currently present.

i love and hate humanity simultaneously and it makes every day a chore just to muster the will to get out of bed. i do get out of bed though and continue on with my life in my detached hopelessness until the time of change comes. i have no need to fight for it because it will come on its own. i just have to be ready for it. and i am.

the pain, its a bitch

its so funny to me how hard we try to clean the dirt, filth and negativity from ourselves on the outside. we scrub out flesh everyday, with soaps, perfumes and exfoliating luffas to sanitize and beautiful ourselves at the same time. after the ritual cleaning we then accentuate our figures and forms with complimenting clothes, ingratiating jewelry and color matching makeups.

all the things to clean ourselves and give a better appearance to others. we try better that reflection staring back at us in the mirrors that we groom ourselves in. the more we scrape away the things that make us feel less than gorgeous the more we can lie to ourselves about how truly ugly and disgusting we are on the inside.

we want everyone to believe us as composed as we seem on the outside. whereas in reality we are horribly disfigured and broken on the inside. this is why so many people try so hard to be beautiful. this is the reason we have entire stores dedicated to the latest makeup products and the hottest styles from all over the world. this constant need for the acceptance of others rules our lives like a subconscious leash dragging us around from destination to death.

the ugliness of life is what we hide from behind our masks of faux perfection. we are so ugly on the inside. we have our vices and faults. the big problem that we face is that no matter how much we shine that turd, it is still a turd. we still see those ugly fetishes, filthy desires and socially sadistic thoughts every time we look in the mirror, regardless of what everyone sees. the best we can do is to put on that happy face we show to the world and hope that no one can see through the facade to the ugliness that is us.

First you have to wrap the body

the odds are, shit is fucked up. some of you may ask why i say something like that or how can i jump to such a wild assumption. truth be told, i really have no basis for this except to equate everyones life to my own. there is never a normal moment in my life. i stroll about my daily chores like a civilized person and watch as the day falls apart around me. the day, the world, reality. everything just falls apart. its like my life is made out of bricks held together with chewing gum. the mortar holds true for a short time but as time passes the bonds dry and become brittle. eventually gravity pulls the top down and the only thing that keeps the bottom from collapsing is the rubble from the top holds everything on the bottom together. that is why nothing ever has a clean break. there is no new foundation to build upon. there are only ruins from all of our past mistakes and crumblings to go with.

we are all damaged goods. i wish i could change a lot of the issues that i have made in my life. but in the end of the day, i know that everything has happened just as it should. in this world. the past is unchangeable and the future is uncertain. though we may not be able to do much to manipulate what will happen, all i know is that what will happen will happen. no fate. no destiny. just an obvious statement to say that the world moves on and on whether we want it to or not.

for me, it feels like im coming home

something exciting and liberating cleaning after a day of cooking and lounging. wow, a lot of -ing in that sentence. the kitchen flood is drying right now so i figured i would pen a little.

big happenings yesterday. i said "fuck it" to a few things and did what i wanted to. back to that living life bit i was so focused on the other day. i went a saw a friend on her first day of bar tending ever and at a new job to boot! poor little critter was a bit overwhelmed but she seemed to be picking it up ok. she is young, cute and russian, so im sure she will have no issue making money there. ive often wished i was a chick bar tender. they really do make so much more money than the guys do. i suppose it evens out though for professional men make more money and get promoted more often. that is a whole line of thinking that i really dont want to go into right now.

after drinking, i went and drank some more at my work while trivia was going on. i cant guarantee that i was helpful to any teams in any way, but i had a good time chilling with my all my friends. it seems that i can make myself have a good time so long as i put forth the effort and let go of myself for a minute.

this very strict form of control that i keep on myself creates a lot of problems for me, but at the same time it makes me feel a bit more in charge of where im going. i maintain this facade of of strength and sturdiness that carries me through the days. it makes my outwardly appearance seem much more unbreakable than i actually am. i tell myself so often that i am as inflexible and steadfast as a mountain that i have come to let it take over who i am. i like it though and it has made me into a very successful person.

my strength is in my convictions. not even my convictions towards other, but my promises to myself. i live by a set of rules. not anyone elses rules. rules ive set for myself after the life i have lived. i could list some of them but some of them cannot be translated into words. the list seems incomplete with my tiny subconscious nudgings. so i leave it in my head, governing my life from the distance of brain to toes.

enough of my self sculpting and bragging. its time to go live.

The way that we live

new day resolution from yesterday went very well today. made the double batch of chili that i vowed to make. new recipe and new ideas all around about how to cook one of my favorite foods. i tried both versions and liked both. i think the shiner bock and jim beam version was better. just my opinion but i have further reviews coming. one of the best things about cooking is having enough to share with your friends. my neighbor tried the tequila and belgoo version for dinner and just gave me a great compliment on my back porch while i was smoking my before bed cigarette.

i think i will keep the experiment going for as long as i can afford it. making a new dish every week. i havent decided on next weeks dish. i will need to keep my eyes open for some fine inspiration that motivates my culinary tributes to tasty goodness. so far things have turned out well. i will have to prepare myself for some flops though. no one gets a winner every time.

this is a new thing for me too; taking advantage of my wireless connection and blogging from my laptop in my bed. its quite liberating actually. why didnt i think of this before?

got a new tattoo last week and it is in the very nasty and scabby healing phase. it hurt like fuck, but i know it will be worth it in the end. something about the color scheme; black, purple and powder blue. i have it all greased up with lotion right now and cant appreciate it for its beauty yet. its just an eyesore right now. soon though, and ever after i will see it for the masterpiece that it is and that will make the pain and temporary ugliness worthwhile.

further delving into the land of popular television today, i completed the L Word season 4 and knocked out half of season 5 while i was cooking, eating, relaxing and cleaning. i really do love the show and the social experiment that it is displaying. the gay subculture doesnt get enough good press at all. not being gay but having be around gays for most of my life i have come to feel for the people who have to live different lives than the mainstream goers of society. some hide their preferences and others embrace their differences while yet others deny their natural proclivities and choose to love unhappily as the socially accepted norms. the denial ones are the ones i feel sorry for. i have never been in their position and therefore cannot judge or empathize. all i can hope is that someday they find the reason to be what they are and can embrace life for all that it is.

our life spans are so brief in the grand scheme of things. they should not be about living in fear, repression or doubt. life is something to be enjoyed and embraced for all it is worth. we should all learn to become the person that can go to the grave tomorrow harboring no regrets about how we have lived.

love yourself and live your life. it is yours to further or fuck up as you see fit. this is my lesson for the day. i am learning to do what i do and live a happy and fulfilling existence. i can only hope the same for the rest of you.

Its not an easy thing to meet your maker.

my focus has been a bit diverted as of late it seems. ive been dealing with a lot in my personal life that has left me too distracted and introverted to try blogging here. now that things are calming down a bit and i have been inspired so much lately, i feel it is time to process my thoughts via this blog.

it is so strange how everything can get so fucked and so quickly. its like the more i examine my life, the deeper and deeper the psychosis goes. the farther down the rabbit hole of my brain i fall the more i see that is causing me problems. this descent into my eventual madness should scare me, though it doesnt. i am wanting, waiting and welcoming the inevitable end that awaits me. it sounds quite fun.

ive been making a lot of mistakes. ive been taking too much for granted and letting myself get too wrapped up in the mundane while not living my life. ive gone from living to existing. im not ready to lay down and die just yet. its time to get up, get moving and start making something out of all the time i have been wasting.

at this time im going to start trying to use this as a medium of inspiration to begin living again. ive started cooking again. not just my usual shit. im getting creative, branching out and making my own recipes. it is a subconscious transition from stagnation to creativity. its a good start, now i just have to stick with it and keep moving forward. ive spent far too much time sitting still and going backward.