miraculously unharmed

its so strange to me that the older i get the less things i find amusing. i cant seem to recall the last time that i had a good laugh. a fall on the floor, face hurting and hyperventilating, side splitting laugh session. its so odd to me. i could laugh my ass off not too long ago. it seemed there was a lot more joy in the world before now. i attribute this to the weight of years pressing on me. the burden of too much emotion felt for too long.

some people wear their life times on their flesh via wrinkles and age spots. some people wear it in their actions like the cougars and the midlife crisisers who buy sports cars. i wear scars on my emotions. scars on my heart. this build up of tissue and heart ache accumulate like cancer on the mind. they poison the emotions and the life. they saturate the fiber of our being making them become more sullen and distant from our lives.

its kind of funny to see these things and still not be able to do anything about them. they are facts of life. we know that we will grow older. we know that we will die and yet we are unable to do anything about it. we have to accept what is unchangeable or ignore it. fate is non-existent except what our subconscious mind makes for us. we make our destinies out of how we live our lives. we determine where we will go and what will happen to us. we have the power and yet, most of the time we deny it or simply do not realize it. it is a horrible thing to be listless and floating with no end in sight.

our lives bear on them a horrible burden. the burden of choice. it is so much easier to be told and let along like cattle. it is infinitely more difficult to have to choose our path. decisions are a difficult enemy to overcome. and yet all i can do is hope that i make the right ones and the wrong ones dont hurt as much as they used to.