in my ocean, the water is frozen

so i have come to discover a very interesting and disturbing fact about myself; i am a hypocrite. its widely said that everyone is a hypocrite of some sort, though most folks are reluctant to admit it. it was a fairly eventful thing when i realized that i was. i didnt want to accept it.

it started out as a a rant that i was about to go off on people for when i have the realization that i am guilty of the same things that i accuse other people of. it has taken me a day to really accept and admit it. i hate it. i dont like it, and yet at the same time, i am quite reluctant to change it. so i cant very well condemn people for doing the same things that i do. it sucks, quite a bit. my pompous high horse seems a lot less high now.

discovering this fact has caused me to examine a lot more about myself and will continue to get me to keep examining some of my more obvious pet peeves.

it is a humbling thing to know that you are just as much of an asshole and hypocrite as everyone else. breaking that delusion is hard and harrowing and i must use it to better myself in the process. i only hope that i can, for i am quite lazy and it would be far easier for me to just write it off and go about my normal days. not that im claiming anymore to be better than anyone else, but i do think that things that are my opinions are well within my rights to express, whether they are of popular acknowledgement or not. i just need to make sure that i dont condemn others for doing the same thing, no matter how stupid they are.

silent, obedient consent...

on any given school night, on any given day of the week, at any given 24 hour gas station, one would find the most interesting and or curious people in the very small hours of the morning. that time when the bulletproof glass sits firmly in place between customer and counter person. it is an interesting time for only the truly bored or desperate are out and about. that makes for a strange conglomeration of people in one location.

such as the minivan full of Meth Heads that i parked next to to go in. 4 girls, 1 guy. it was an odd mix from the start. the girls, women, whatever werent to the point of their addiction that they had lost all sex appeal, though they were toeing the line quite hard. i could see how a John wouldnt mind buying their services at a discounted rate instead of paying full price for a more, shall we say, upscale, woman. and though they had not reached the point of no return yet, it was on the horizon. the friend inside on a munchie/sugar/cigarette run. she was wearing a quite sexy, in any other circumstance, black outfit. her appeal was a constant shifting of sex appeal crossed with revulsion. it was a virtual nightmare to behold as she was sipping her icee swirl of strawberry and coke trying to put a normal soda top on the cup that should have been a domed top and tried to manhandle her overstuffed bag of goodies, that she just paid for with wadded and wrinkled bills, back to her minivan full of her fellow addicts and whores.

it is always a fun excursion to go out when most everyone else is safely tucked in their warm and cozy beds. random spontaneity is something that should never be forgotten for it is one of those simple things that makes this life worth living.

i close today with a great and inspiring monologue from V for Vendetta:

"An inch - it is small and it is fragile, and it is the only thing in the world worth having. We must never lose it or give it away. We must never let them take it from us. I hope that, whoever you are, you escape this place. I hope that the world turns and that things get better. But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that even though I do not know you, and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you, I love you. With all my heart, I love you."

miraculously unharmed

its so strange to me that the older i get the less things i find amusing. i cant seem to recall the last time that i had a good laugh. a fall on the floor, face hurting and hyperventilating, side splitting laugh session. its so odd to me. i could laugh my ass off not too long ago. it seemed there was a lot more joy in the world before now. i attribute this to the weight of years pressing on me. the burden of too much emotion felt for too long.

some people wear their life times on their flesh via wrinkles and age spots. some people wear it in their actions like the cougars and the midlife crisisers who buy sports cars. i wear scars on my emotions. scars on my heart. this build up of tissue and heart ache accumulate like cancer on the mind. they poison the emotions and the life. they saturate the fiber of our being making them become more sullen and distant from our lives.

its kind of funny to see these things and still not be able to do anything about them. they are facts of life. we know that we will grow older. we know that we will die and yet we are unable to do anything about it. we have to accept what is unchangeable or ignore it. fate is non-existent except what our subconscious mind makes for us. we make our destinies out of how we live our lives. we determine where we will go and what will happen to us. we have the power and yet, most of the time we deny it or simply do not realize it. it is a horrible thing to be listless and floating with no end in sight.

our lives bear on them a horrible burden. the burden of choice. it is so much easier to be told and let along like cattle. it is infinitely more difficult to have to choose our path. decisions are a difficult enemy to overcome. and yet all i can do is hope that i make the right ones and the wrong ones dont hurt as much as they used to.

i dont know what hurts worse, being alone, or being with you

such a strange thing, human emotions. so odd how intense and powerful they are. how they are such an all encompassing driving force behind most of our actions. the wickedness of letting something so vile and uncompromising rule our lives is disgusting and for lack of a better term, unfair.

that word is one of the first things we learn as children, unfair. everything seems so horribly unfair as a child. and so it seems everything in the future in our adult lives shares the same description. our day to day lives become unfulfilling and seems too arduous to be considered life. we see movie stars and musicians with fortunes galore and long so much to share their notoriety that we becomes voyeurs and arm chair stalkers in a state of resentment and envy so deep that the only explanation we have is how unfair everything is.

the ideals of perfection we attempt to emulate only further the psychosis of our self induced state of inadequacy. the harder we push ourself toward unattainable goals the closer we come to losing all sense of individualized achievement.

i could go on and on about the lack of fairness in the world but i feel confident that at least 90% of the population would feel the same way. there is no need to beat a horse like that. suffice it to say that life is not fair now, nor will it ever be. we just have to learn to be happy with ourselves and all our inadequacies.

and i ran, ran so far away

loneliness is something that everyone experiences at some point in their life. there is no way around it. there is nothing to be done about it (short of the obvious) except to move on. you push through and grow older and wait for time to pass.

on a much more positive note, i went out to a bar that i never go to last night and drank some brews with some friends. had a great time and seriously cant wait to do it again. going to continue the fun escapades when i go see District 9 in about 45 min. everything i have heard and read about it suggests that it will be amazing and via its very low production cost could usher in a new era of film making. imagine that a great movie with good special effects that costs less than 50 million dollars to make.

everyday i throw out numbers like 10 million, 150 thousand, 250 million. those numbers seem so commonplace now days what with how expensive things are on a daily basis that we encounter in our lives; tv shows, movies, wars. money weighs so much that we tend to forget just how much something like 10 million dollars would be cumbersome in its bill form. from everything im seeing on the internet Here and Here 10 million dollars in 100 dollar bill denominations would weigh about 220lbs. an average keg of beer weighs about 145lbs and most people know how weighty that is. so imagine a keg and a half of beer as money and see how hard that is to carry around. 10 million in gold would be almost 10 times that weight at 1,242 lbs. so, cash or diamonds are your best bet. diamonds of course would be the best over all being that their value is much less flakey and paper money, but they are also a bit harder to unload for a usable form of currency.

not that any of this matter because in my life time, if i could have all the money that i will ever make and have made all at once, it most likely wouldnt even come close to 10 million dollars. that is the majority of the population too. scary isnt it, when you put the quantities of denominational income into plain numbers, you realize just how little your life is worth in the grand scheme of the currency of life. money, the bane of my existence and yet necessary for it at the same time.

off to see the movie now.

your pain is no credential here

so, it has been an interesting and semi-eventful past couple weeks. i have Sprint as my cel phone service provider and i have had them for 9 years give or take. over the time i spent with this company, i have come to realize that their sub par service, mystery charges, over charges, pathetic phone "internet" and many more reasons that i am just too lazy to list, make a terrible and hideous excuse for a company that has a "Customer-Focused Strategy". I used to have the Everything Messaging plan that includes unlimited text messaging and picture mail. when i incurred extra charges for sending pictures to iphones and blakberries because they dont accept picture mail the way sprint sends it, i got a bit upset. they told me that to send pictures to at&t, verizon and t-mobil phones i would have to upgrade my plan to have unlimited internet (30$ for my line and 15$ for each additional line, of which i have 2). i said, "wait, you want me to pay extra money every month just to be able to do what i already pay to do with my current plan?". to which they replied, "yes, with your everything pictures plan, you have to pay an additional amount for internet usage."

fuck that company. sadly it will cost me 570$ to cancel my accounts with sprint to change carriers. so, i have to deal with this bullshit for another year and a couple months to save myself some money. however, if i happen into 570 extra bucks in the next few months, im so switching over.

if you have the strange inclination or desire to switch to sprint, stay the fuck away. they have nothing to offer you but a hard time and bank draining mistakes with fine print restrictions you sign without ever seeing.

enough of the angry for the day. tomorrow i am going to throw up some short reviews of some of the movies i have been watching lately. some stinkers in there and also so good ones.

life: no one gets out alive

there are a vast number of truths in life. some horribly simple, but most are too obscure and irrelevant to be considered on a daily basis. the most simple truth to follow and accept is the someday, our life will cease. our brain will run out of oxygen and everything that makes us who we are, memories, emotions, dreams, all of those things that are us becomes one with the nothingness of non-existence.

perhaps that is the reason that people have to believe in god(s). that fictional solution to wipe away all our misdeeds and joys of living life as we want and not as we should. the easiest thing to forget is that we, as human beings, though being at the top of the food chain for quite a while now, are animals. we are beasts. beasts with conscience and cognition, and yet still beasts all the same.

some choose to argue this point by saying that we can be verbal and know the difference between right and wrong. however, what is right and wrong? what determines these words that govern our lives? it has been claimed that there are universally accepted naturally self-evident facts about what is right and what is wrong. where do these facts come from? who has established these guidelines to live our lives by?

ive heard it said that morals are what you have when everyone is watching and ethics are what you have when you are alone. guilt is what drives both of these things. in fact, i have a suspicion that guilt is what motivates the majority of our actions. so i guess in that respect, we atheists and christians share a common motivation. that motivation is also called, humanity.