"you dont want what i want", she says. i reply with, "you dont even know what you want, how could i possibly want that?" such has been the story of my life lately. burning bridges and losing people close to me.
perhaps better to have no one close than to have the possibility of losing them? who knows. situations just continue to get more and more awkward and confusing. i really dont know where my life is heading at this point and i really dont care. i know what i plan on doing and what i want out of what i have. happiness.
sure, it sounds simple enough, but so many people have no idea what it means. to me, it means that feeling of general comfort surrounded by everyone or no one and still being complete as a person. i am quite lucky that i have a fulfilling job and a lovely apartment and animals that enrich and maintain my calm even when everything else is falling to shit.
my second ex wife. the big one. the one that i thought, i was fucking sure, was forever, is gone. im not happy about it. i still follow her tumblr and realize more and more just how alike we are. realize how much we should be the perfect match. i understand why i thought we were eternal. i can understand, even now, how we could be again. no matter how much we try to kill each other and how much we torture each other that we seriously belong together if simply to have someone else to kills us instead of ourselves.
i didnt set out to get whiny here, so i will conclude with saying that when i realized what i wanted out of life, everything changed. everything because... clear. i understand so much more now that the mysteries of life are laid bare to me. i understand that the best gift in life is giving. and i will continue to give to this world knowing i may never receive. if only everyone else believed the same, the world would be a much more enjoyable place for everyone.
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