I starve myself for energy

i look at the sky every night.  ive noticed that not a lot of people do that.  we tend to take the stars for granted.  it seems the only time anyone looks up is when the weather is bad and then we curse the sky for making us late for work/messing up our hair/turning the roads slippery... ect.

i wish everyone would just go out on a nice clear night and look up.  see into the depths of the unfathomable universe, all alone in its vastness.  so incomplete with its immeasurable voids.  so majestic with stray gasses reflecting from the fires of a billion billion suns.

how do people not see that?  how can anyone not want to know all the secrets that lie in those lost millennia since long before our small corner of space was created?  with our skewed perspective of what life is, the only that space holds for humans is death.  that makes me so sad.

i hate the fact that i will never know.  i hate that i will never step foot onto a world other than the one to which i was born.  never breathe the air of an alien world.  never sift through the ruins of alien civilizations older than the sun.  never wake to the light of a different sun.

a constant dreamer i suppose.  why couldnt i get the dreams that are attainable?

current listening and inspiration...  Dark Tranquility - Therein

Is there anybody you'd rather wish i'd be?

my hands,
veined and used, rippled by years
hard now,
rough and abused, laden with time

these hands know so much
they feel so deeply
and have passion in all they do

i love them on their own
they stop me sinking
and rejoice in touching you

crooked, scarred
they embrace you with the care of a mother
calloused, wrinkled
they long for your skin beneath them

it has been far too long
since i have known pain enough to cry
my hands are not used
to the taste of my own tears
for too long they have
wiped away others sorrows caused by me
they are far more
sensitive than the rest of my body
and i have caused
so much hurt to the ones that i love
my hands were the
only way to help redeem my indiscretions

so all the times your face is in my palms
your back under my nails
your breasts beneath finger tips
know that in the end,
these small appendages are not just there
for touching, but are actually
extensions of my heart
and used to convey my joy
at having your company.

Hearts break too easily to be so cheaply valued

i dream
i wait
but the dawn always comes too late

i sleep
i break
and i cannot make this fear abate

of all the thoughts that plague my mind
the ones that i truly miss
are the ones that remain out of my grasp
they flow like ashes in a breeze
coasting on the storm that is my heart
raging forth in its purity
cascading its depths to all who see
bleak in its forecast
and benevolent in its actions

i love
i live
in this life that ive pledged to give

im lost
im free
like for so long i have wished to be.

dont look to the ocean, restless in its dreaming

Listening to the music in my head at the culmination of a truly amazing weekend, i heard Room 429 playing in my head.  mostly the second half of the song.  it was quite liberating.  i spilled my guts and exposed myself in ways that i never do.  i gave of myself and it was scary and wonderful simultaneously. feeling the things that im completely unaccustomed to feeling.  hell, just feeling at all.  i had almost forgotten what that feels like.  stimulation and salvation.

a short little scribble at the request of the fighter who wanted something new...

projectile on a tiny red leash
reminding me of how exposed i lay
and to whom i am indebted
for that exposure

ive severed so much emotion previously
that to have it be re-attached
is painful in the most blissful sort of way

i had grown accustomed to seeing nothing
when i look into the eyes of others,
yet now, i can see unfathomable depths in one

my memory serves me less and less
but my heart explodes with want
the subtleties of passing glances
now return to embolden my desires
leaving me with a longing for that touch
that vanished with responsibility.

I refuse to stay here and continue to live out this lie

"you dont want what i want", she says.  i reply with, "you dont even know what you want, how could i possibly want that?"  such has been the story of my life lately.  burning bridges and losing people close to me.

perhaps better to have no one close than to have the possibility of losing them?  who knows.  situations just continue to get more and more awkward and confusing.  i really dont know where my life is heading at this point and i really dont care.  i know what i plan on doing and what i want out of what i have.  happiness.

sure, it sounds simple enough, but so many people have no idea what it means.  to me, it means that feeling of general comfort surrounded by everyone or no one and still being complete as a person.  i am quite lucky that i have a fulfilling job and a lovely apartment and animals that enrich and maintain my calm even when everything else is falling to shit.

my second ex wife.  the big one.  the one that i thought, i was fucking sure, was forever, is gone.  im not happy about it.  i still follow her tumblr and realize more and more just how alike we are.  realize how much we should be the perfect match.  i understand why i thought we were eternal.  i can understand, even now, how we could be again.  no matter how much we try to kill each other and how much we torture each other that we seriously belong together if simply to have someone else to kills us instead of ourselves.

i didnt set out to get whiny here, so i will conclude with saying that when i realized what i wanted out of life, everything changed.  everything because... clear.  i understand so much more now that the mysteries of life are laid bare to me.  i understand that the best gift in life is giving.  and i will continue to give to this world knowing i may never receive.   if only everyone else believed the same, the world would be a much more enjoyable place for everyone.