i wasnt trying to wreck her life, i was trying to make mine better.

i dont really know what i want to write about, i just felt like writing about something.  so this blog could be long or short or dirty or tame.  i dont know, im just going to go with it.  whatever is on the top of my brain.


watching a movie as i write this called Candy that as near as i can tell is about love, loss and junk.  i had not even heard of this movie until 2 days ago.  it sounded compelling and powerful in a Requiem for A Dream kind of way without being quite as intense but equally emotional.  thusfar i am satisfied with the progression of the movie and building of the characters.  


having done my biweekly trivia last night and the main topic being movies based on drugs it only made sense that i should see this movie.  the more of these films that i see about the downfall of a human being due to the substances that they put into themselves because they are so unhappy with how their lives are going.  is that why people use drugs?  it seems that everyone who uses is trying to escape something.  i suppose we are all trying to escape something though, arent we?


some people are trying to forget about their past, some trying to ignore their future.  others running away from their current lives or just trying to escape themselves for a while so that everything doesnt feel so real.  


escape; isnt that what all the vacation posters and web advertisements and popups that someone work their ways around the blockers browsers have nowadays say?  escape.  its as if everything and everyone out there is trying to convince people that they arent happy, regardless of how everyone feels.  its a wonder why people are trying so desperately to run away from things when the marketing giants of the world are forcing all these thoughts of ill-contentment and unhappiness down our throats.  


the worse we feel, the more money we spend to try to make ourselves happy.  there is no lasting happiness to be bought.  the escape is just a little blanket that we put over us so that we dont have to see the wounds and can ignore the pain for a while because we cant see how badly we are bleeding.  pretty glosses to the scabs we call lives.


i think i will escape into myself.  escape from the outside for a while.  isnt that what these blogs are to me?  these are my drug.  my way of detaching myself from my reality.  sometimes this place works for me, sometimes i just have to not be myself for a spell. how ironic and self serving that my drug that i choose to abuse is myself.  the drug used to fix and kill myself is myself.  


so, no, i dont need your pot/coke/pills/junk/crack/meth, im just fine with what i have inside already and it can kill or thrill just as fast without having to pay for it.

Motivation: the psychological feature that arouses an organism to action toward a desired goal.


it seems that that definition for humanity coincides with guilt (a feeling of culpability for offenses).  it becomes more and more apparent to me everyday that peoples specific motivations are spurned by guilt.  either guilt for performing or not performing something is the specific driving force behind what we as humans use to guide our actions.  


having a bit of a background in psychology, i have witnessed a great many times in peoples (myself included) lives where the things that are done are done specifically to alleviate guilt or to prevent it through one method or another.  guilt does seem to be a very strong motivator and its results are evident in everything from the simplest of person to the most politically important.  


i have tried to live my life for so long now, free of guilt.  does that also mean that i have been trying to live free of motivation?  good question.  being subjective here, i would like to think that i have been satisfactorily motivated but on further introspection, i have realized that i too, have been motivated by guilt. for the past few days i have been pondering over this question: how can i maintain my motivation to perform good actions without doing them for the sake of not feeling guilty afterwards if i had not performed those actions?


im going to attempt to start moving toward a life of altruism.  i want to try to do things for the sake of doing things, not to save myself any sort of grief.  i am a selfish person and am therefore more inclined to do things out of personal motivation instead of just doing nice things.  so, now i have a goal.  this goal is not motivated by guilt, but by the satisfaction of wanting to do some good in a world that uses, abuses and discards without regard.  


i have no idea if it will work, but it is worth an effort.


Black Flag:   Life of Pain (lyrics)


Look what you've done to your arms.
I know you don't care.
Who do you harm?
I know you've never been the girl next door,
but now you're worse than before.
Self destruct. Self destruct!
Life's miseries. Pain runs deep.
Does it matter what anybody cares?
Can there be another outlet?
Nobody gets close, nobody dares.
Self destruct. Self destruct!
I can understand your problems
and I can even figure out the reasons why,
but I can't help the way I feel.
And I can't accept what I see.
And I just can't stand watching you...
Self destruct. Self destruct!
You're digging your own grave
and you're taking my feelings with you.
There's got to be a way to get out.