No need for sympathy, the misery that is me

i have come to that point in time in my life where most of the people i know that are around my age are settling down, getting married and having kids.  it makes someone like me reexamine my life and what i have done up to this point.  i question my worth as a person and as a human being in general.  


i have attempted the settling down thing twice now.  it didnt work so well for me either time.  i dont know how well it will work for them.  perhaps theirs will be the opposite of my experience.  maybe they have found that one true love who will bring the happiness that all of us crave, the uncompromising and unconditional love and acceptance of another human being.  perhaps not.  


we, as a people, do not typically discuss such details in depth because the facts of these situation differ from person to person.  it is quite astounding how different all of us can be and still be built of the same general components.  though, being made of all the same parts, we have our own individualities to take into consideration when passing judgement or advice on to others.  


for example:  i spoke to an old girlfriend of mine not too long ago about her decision to get married and start repopulating the earth with her vagina spawn.  i asked her how she knew that he was the guy.  she replied, " he wants children and so do i and he seems like a guy who would make a good dad".  notice, there is nothing in that statement or any of her other statements to me that involved unconditional love or even love at all.  far be it from me to be the hopeless romantic in this day and age, for i know i am not.  


its no wonder that the divorce rate is climbing.  society has urged people to seek happiness from possessions, whether they be husbands, children or bank accounts, instead of seeking happiness within.  the pinnacle of fulfillment has become acceptance by society instead of acceptance within the self.  i just got a bit zen there for a second and it is a bit of a new thing for me.  i preach all day long about compromise and never surrendering your ideals.  my beliefs arent as wishy washy in my head and yet somehow they seem convoluted when i spell them out.


i have just seen so many people in unhappy marriages of convenience and it breaks my heart.  call it karma, call it quid pro quo, i am going to call it life.  life because societys whim changes on a whim and the people that care about such things struggle to keep up with the socially acceptable norms.  i do not exist outside of society, but i am certainly trying to do so.  to create my own ideals.  to choose my own paths.  when forced to choose between left path or the right path, i am just as liable to sit down as i am to go straight ahead to forage through the underbrush of indecision.  fuck you life, for trying to make me choose what you want me to choose.  i go my own way, which more often than not is in some way you have laid out, though i am far from bound to your grid and i will happily hop a fence to get away from that path anytime i am so inclined.  the path of least resistance is something for the weak.